The Cliff-Lair of Heeter

By Corey Ryan Walden
Self Published
Basic
Levels 1-3

A local tale whispers of a strange sorcerer who has dwelt in the cliffs and crags for centuries. During that time savage lightning has illumined the skies and valleys, seemingly at the bidding of this enigmatic figure. More recently there have been even more bizarre stories. Horses stolen by blue-skinned men for unseemly purposes — disrupting trade and traumatising travellers. You have heard these disturbing stories, whether they be founded in truth or fiction. But one question remains: will you brave the journey to the crags?

This twelve page adventure uses five pages to describe the twelve room lair of an alien who drinks horse urine. There is nothing of value here, figuratively or literally. You’d be better off going to half price and reading board books where you touch the kangaroo hair.

And so, this is what has become. All of the choices I have made in my life have led me here. You meet an old man on the path. He tells you that modern neuroscience has proved that all of our actions and decisions are merely the machinations of a predetermined universe and that our concept of free will is naught but a comforting illusion. If you agree with his hypothesis then turn to page 72. If you disagree then turn to page 72. (Actually, the cartoon in question does not use an if/then structure. Even THEY know that you should not use an if/then structure.)

What do we know about Heeter? Well … “Heeter has an unusual thirst for horse urine. When he is craving this delicacy he will charge two of his men to gather some from a nearby village, or ambush a mounted traveller. They may take the whole horse, or they may simply “milk” it.” You enjoy that. 

But, wait, somehow, in an adventure about a man who milks horses so he can drink their urine, I am getting ahead of myself. This adventure, but twelve pages long, starts with five empty pages. There is the cover. Then a white page. Them there’s another cover, the exact sam as the first except its had its transparency shifted a bit so it looked a little bit faded. Then there’s another blank page. Then there’s the title page. It has a link to the designers blog. But that’s down now. A search for him reveals nothing except a couple of puff reviews where “who is one of  the smartest and cunning young writers I’ve know” and the usual ? B+ nonsense that the fuckass online community gives to each other and, strangely, no mention of horse urine drinking. I did find one that seemed to like The Black Ruins, but, I question that reviewer’s judgement; sometimes confusing naivete as creativity. 

Back to the horse urine.There’s nothing here. This is a VERY simplistic lair. Just twelve rooms. The entrance has the usual murder hole/ambush stuff, done in a VERY simplistic manner. Almost to the point of minimalism, but then expanded upon to fill a word count. There is no interactivity, there is just stabbing things. Maybe? I guess you can ask nicely to come in and then be bored? Oh, you can watch the guy when he sleeps. The adventure makes a point of telling us that he sucks his thumb. It also makes a point of telling us that “The desk has a writing quill and inkpot. Not particularly valuable, though certainly useful.” Great. Or, how about the time the adventure tells us that “There is no known history for the object.” Uh … okI guess …? You mean like almost everything else I encounter every single day in my life? Why would it have a history? Why would I need or want to know the history? 

I added up the loot here. I think this was a B/X adventure but you’ll probably want to keep in the mind the 1e rules that you can  only advance to 1xp less than the next level. IE: you pop to the next level and then also get enough XP to put you 1xp from the next one. 747gp of value in this place babbeeeee! 

His servants attack. No one does anything but stab you. The rooms are boring, just laundry lists of mundane things in them. 

And, there’s not even any horse urine drinking in this! Dude doesn’t even offer you any! Can you believe it?! After all that horse urine milking and drinking that was going on in the prologue!   I feel ripped off. I feel ripped off by the five useless pages at hte beginning. I feel ripped off by the complete lack of anything interesting in this. As if I just put in ten basic rooms with an orc in each one and called then “kitchen” and “study” and then didn’t do anything interesting in any of them. I feel ripped off by the lack of horse urine milking and drinking that I was promised.

This is $2 at DriveThru. The preview is three pages and shows you a couple of rooms. And the horse urine milking thing.

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/en/product/156584/the-cliff-lair-of-heeter?1892600