The Goblins Lair

By Tony Garcia
Levels 1-3

Constant attacks have been carried out in the forest region near Holyrock. The small town of Taveiro Village was raided by a group of Goblins that are plundering the agricultural region near the city. There is suspicion that there is a lair of these beings near the village, but so far, no one has been able to find the place. The mayor of the city is hiring adventurers to discover and eliminate this band of Goblins. It offers a big reward, in addition to allowing the booty found with these beings to own the heroes. Are you ready for the challenge?

This ten page adventure uses one page to describe a seven room linear goblins cave. 

The sheet with the map on it has a monster reference stats also. This is great, you’ve got all the reference material you need on one sheet. Also, the entrance to the goblin cave is covered by a bush, with a wooden ladder descending six feet in to the darkness. That’s cute. Like every waterfall having a cave behind it. And six feet under? Why … that’s refreshing! And speaking of waterfalls, the latrine has a gem in it! Nice!

Otherwise this is an unremarkable adventure. 

The goblins caves are separated by about ten or twenty feet of hallway, and there’s no order of battle, they all just die in their rooms. Their very very linear rooms … just one hall after another until the boss goblin at the end. Most rooms don’t even have stuff in them, like that gem in the latrine. Instead the DM is instructed to roll a d6 and on a 5 or 6 there’s a gem in the latrine. In other rooms there might be 50gp if the DM rolls a 5 or 6. This is NOT how randomness is used in adventures. It does nothing for the adventure. Just put the fucking shit in. Or, the “roll once for each player on the treasure table in the book” note. Nope. Not gonna do it. That’s the designers job. To not just roll on the table in the book but to put something fresh and interesting in the adventure. That’s the literal job of the designer. Otherwise you’re just doing what I’m doing, narrating something.

The “investigation” piece is similar. Searching a farmhouse you could find AN ENCOUNTER (never detailed) or footsteps to track to a forest. Inside you could find GOBLINS, or a dead body or a dying goblin (the later two never details) all on a random roll. And, then, confusingly, there is another random table for exploring the forest.

The “adventure” is doing everything wrong. I’m sure the designer is full of enthusiasm but the results don’t match their vision. By a long shot. No evocative descriptions. No interactivity. Linear design. There’s just nothing here. 

I need some fucking joy in my D&D life and game night is two days away. Ug!

This is Pay What You Want at DriveThru with a suggested price of $1. The preview is six pages, you can see the entire adventure. Enjoy that one page of room keys and that one page of investigations. They should point you in the right direction …

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9 Responses to The Goblins Lair

  1. Bigby's Affirmative Consent Lubed Fist says:

    We need a moratorium on 1st level goblin lair adventures. Drive-Thru RPG should just ban them outright until we figure out what’s going wrong.

    • Melan says:

      Borshak’s Lair (Paul Jaquays, 1976-ish) may have been the last really good one… although even that one is orcs instead of goblins.

    • Anonymous says:


      • Anonymous says:

        There’s an old OPD about a barkeep who gives you a quest to clear his basement of rats but it’s actually a horrific torture dungeon full of half-dead people, a ghoul bear, and rats

  2. TheGrindNeverStops says:

    This is quite the streak of unremarkable adventures you’re on Bryce. Godspeed

  3. Anonymous says:

    What about a 1st level brazen strumpet lair
    Or saucy tart lair

    • whereismywizardhat says:

      Hasn’t been the same since everyone involved in LotFP died in a freak being hit in the face with their own rake accident.

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