By R. Nelson Bailey
Dungeoneers Guild Games
1e
Levels 3-6
The dungeons of Mal-Thenga lie below the ruins of a once-great city, its name now lost in the dust of time. Long have adventurers come to its darkling halls in search of glory and treasure. Now, the forces of Law and Chaos ensconced in the sprawling complex’s blighted chambers vie for complete control of the dungeons. These dungeons once served as the seat of power for the enigmatic Two-Faced God. Here, minions of this forgotten deity patiently wait to fulfill the prophecy that will restore his shrine to its former splendor.
This 48 page dungeon presents a five level dungeon with about 120 rooms that is an exercise in tedium. An obscene amount of text working towards a mighty battle between Lawful Evil and Chaotic Evil, it engages in the chief of all adventure sins: To Be Read.
Ruined city. Inside it is a ruined temple with a (single) 10×10 entryway leading to below. Under that a five level temple dedicated to the god that keeps lawful evil and chaotic evil in check. Battle your way through what I think is every level appropriate monsters in every monster manual to reach the demiplane where you unleash their cosmic warriors to do battle in the dungeon: LE vs CE!
And I have no idea why the party is there or engaging in things. To them, it is presented as just a dungeon. I guess, maybe, we are doing a Tharizdun thing here where you stumble on to something in what is otherwise a crawl? Anyway, you end up in this extraplanar place and the herald of LE and CE demand tokens and then they weigh out the tokens on a cosmic scale and blow some giant horns and then warriors stream out of gates and down stairs and through other gates only to meet in the dungeon proper and engage in a mighty battle between themselves and the dungeon occupants until one side wins. *whew*. Only I have no idea why the party, who have, I guess, stumbled on to them, are engaging in this activity. They are compelled, no save, to provide the tokens, which I guess is the parties only act in the process. But, also, just don’t? Go back home? The text tells us that tha the heralds will attack if the party resists. “Once engaged in melee, they strike with their weapons, inflicting terrible blows on the unbelievers with them. These beings offer their enemies no quarter and fight to the death. (Players who insist on battling the Heralds face a high likelihood of death. A merciful GM can have an astral deva appear to intervene on their behalf to battle this fell pair. If successful, the deva requires the party to complete a quest on behalf of a god of Good, or sacrifice at least 10,000 gp worth of money or goods in their name.)” Sure. AC0 and 54hp. I guess maybe if you are level three?
But, also, by this time, you’ve battled through every monster in the books. Medusa. Orcs, gnolls, red dragon, ghouls, ghast, wights, zombies, beetles, origillions, cave fishers, piercers, heucuva, a blue dragon,manticores, hell hounds, minotaurs, trolls, toads, human NPCs, … the list goes on and on. Like, EVERYTHING in this place. But, sure, after making it through all of that those two 54HPd dudes are an issue. Maybe the AC.
This is a fucking monster zoo. One room on the first level has two ghasts, five ghouls and eight zombies in it. The room leading to this one has a deadly spear trap blocking the way. The room on the other side of this one dead ends in a disenchanter room. Look, I don’t need bathrooms for my monsters, but, also, just a TAD bit of logic, please? And the entire thing is like this. Just shit everywhere, for no real reason most of the time. A medusa and her scarecrow servant? Sure, why not? There’s no pretext at all.
The text here is OVERWHELMING. Each NPC gets multiple paragraphs, including some backstory. “Korghol works with the enchanter, Bin-Tarso (AREA 69). Together, they seek to dominate the entire Dungeons of Mal-Thenga for Chaotic Evil. The anti-paladin has a violent, vulgar disposition with a sardonic sense of humor. Korghol has an immensely frightening appearance, as fire horribly burned most of the upper portion of his body. The skin on his hairless, grotesque head looks like mottled, melted candle wax. He has a Comeliness rating of 0.” NONE OF THIS MATTERS. You’re just gonna stab him. Ok, so, maybe the hairless grotesque head with burn marks, but that’s it. And this happens for every NPC. In, like the very second room we have the exist described to us three separate times! Besides the map we halso have “Besides the passage leading to the surface, the great hall has seven other exits: four archways leading to AREAS 3 to 6; two large iron-bound doors to AREAS 18 and 23; two secret doors to AREAS 8 and 11; and a bronze door to AREA 7” and then also we have “Bronze Door: This locked door is set in the middle of the north wall. It leads to the chapel (AREA 7).” It’s fucking insanity. At every opportunity as much text as is seemingly possible is stuffed in to the adventure to give a fully realized view. With little to no aid at the table.
And How Can This Be?
It’s a kickstarter. Fucking $10k. Every couple of months dude hits for about $10k. Noice! Good job with the marketing! You have found a market and have created a product that appeals to them. A thing to be read. “As with all Dungeoneers Guild Games products, creating a module with quality production, artwork, and printing is the paramount goal of this project.” Uh huh. Production. Art. Printing. This is a memberberry. You get to buy it and read it an d remember the good old days before you gave up on being actively engaged in society. This made for nostalgia/made to read shit disgusts me. But, also, I admire it. Dude published. Dude is making bank. He can take his regular $10k and laugh at everyone else. If the warranty on a car is three years then we spec car parts that last three years and one day in order to build it. You can have quality. You can have a good adventure. You just don’t get it at Gordon Food Service. And that’s ok.
Or, at least, that’s what I am required to say in public. Privately these money grabs disgust me and I would prefer to live in a world of magnificence and wonder and cigarette trees created by the cacophony of sounds of a billion billion chisel-strokes of the Dionysian world-artist. Pardon me while I eat my McDouble.
This is $10 at DriveThru. No preview. Fuck you.
How do you manage to fit 120 rooms in 40 pages and still be wordy?
I might start a band called Ghast & Ghoul. Maybe a trumpet and alto sax death-jazz duo.
We’ll hit the Wake & Funeral Circuit. It’ll be like printing money. Everyone can dig some trumpeted death-jazz during a Funeral.
>a medusa and her scarecrow servant
Cause he can’t be turned to stone, I get it. I might even use that someday, just as a throwaway.
And riffing on that, maybe a medusa who doesn’t exactly mind turning people to stone, but is overjoyed when someone comes with a mirror or a spell that defeats that, and with those people just wants to have tea and talk. Don’t mind the statues, what’s the latest news?
It sounds like I’m not buying this adventure for that kind of thing, but sometimes one little piece of color prompts more.