Labia – The Strange Case of the Cursed Vagina

By Silvia Clemente, Miguel Ribeiro
The Red ROom
B/X & Wretched Bastards
Level ?

The Red Room

B/X & Wretched Bastards

Level ?

Princess Lisabetta, the precious daughter of the King of Riget, has been cursed by her evil aunt. Between her legs, Lisabetta now has a monstrous carnivorous “octopussy”. To bring the princess back to her natural self, an intrepid group of wretched adventurers must venture into the maze-like Citadel of Berleng and destroy the evil witch. But in a world of bastards, nothing is as simple as it seems and a dark, forbidden secret that will shake Riget is about to be revealed…

This 29 page adventure uses some number of pages to describe fourteen rooms in a dungeon. That might be under a castle? Maybe on an island? I don’t know. It’s some kind of funhouse thing that doesn’t actually describe ANYTHING. And I’m using a VERY loose definition of “describe.”

“The princess has a monster for a pussy” made me think this was LotFP, but, no, it’s for Wretched Bastards, some kind of B/X campaign world thing. Anyway, hang on … “Oh, my! I’m shocked! How disgusting! My sensibilities are in a kerfluffle!” There, was that chill? Did I do an adequate job at being shocked? 

Whatever. There’s almost nothing here. The king sends you to go kill his sister, the aunt. She’s in some castle on some island. And I’m not summarizing by much here, this is about how much information you get. Or, specifically “The unlucky bastards that take the challenge must reach the island, enter the citadel, find countess Golithya.” That’s the extent you get about the island and citadel. You do get a fourteen romo dungeon though!

The fourteen rooms have numbers on them. The numbers have a little key at the bottom at the map. “7- The Tar Pool” or “2- The Skeleton Office.” You don’t actually get keyed entries though. The fucking text just says “The Tar Pool” or “The Skeleton Office.” This pisses me off to no end. It’s like they just started writing the words backwards for no fucking reason. Why fucking do this? Did you make the product easier to use by doing this? Is it easier to find the rooms from the map in the text because of this? No? It’s a lot harder, you say? Then why the fuck do it? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m tempted to utterly fail every adventure from now on that does this. Fucking useless for running the thing.

Ah, but about the keyed entries themselves? What about them? “The lion lies asleep in a chamber close to the citadel’s entrance. A scrambled map can be found among the bones and half-eaten carcasses on the lion’s den; it points to a treasure hidden in a Citadel’s chamber.” That’s room one. Or, rather, “The Sleeping Lion’s Den.” Where does it point? To which room? Nope, you’re not getting that. 

This abstraction is present throughout the adventure and, I assert, the a design decision. Someone, somewhere, thinks that this is the right way to do things, otherwise it wouldn’t be so consistent in its application.”This room appears to be some kind of office.” No, it’s an office. “If the characters tart to look around then …” No, no if/then statements. Also, nothing happens in this room. A skeleton comes to life and then crumbles to dust. But, more to the point “”There is a hidden door in the room; if the characters detect and unlock it they will find a well-stocked armoury,” Perhaps my favorite is “In the pool lies a treasure chest filled with jewels and gold, but the bounty is too heavy to be carried.” … with no other words or details. 

Seriously, this is Indi RPG levels of detail here. “Maybe do something related to this keyword or something. “

In the end, this is nothing more than an abstracted funhouse dungeon. Random shit appearing in seemingly random rooms that is not well described. I would hesitate to even call this an adventure, PARTICULARLY given the issues with the map keys.

This is $2.50 at DriveThru. Reve in the eight page preview that shows you nothing of the room keys. Such that they are.

This entry was posted in Dungeons & Dragons Adventure Review, Reviews. Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Labia – The Strange Case of the Cursed Vagina

  1. Shitty Adventure says:

    “Nice beaver” – Frank Drebin

  2. John Paquette says:

    I guess the writers of this adventure were aiming for “shocking”. IMO, they instead hit “disgusting”. And, based on this review, they are technically inept as well. I’ll be giving the Wretched Bastards line a skip.

    • SolCannibal says:

      I’d say even that is too much credit. Oh my, vagina dentata, with tenticles curse – bleh, that’s puerile even for a high school level DM and from what Bryce describes has zero relevance to the adventure proper, that is more precisely “go to the Citadel of Berleng kill the evil witch of a sister/in-law for the king”.

      Literally much ado about nothing on all levels.

  3. PrinceofNothing says:

    A failure to aspire even to Ruined Palace of the Metegorgos, which for all its flaws was still a real adventure. Hope you get to Perils in Olden Wood soon old chum.

  4. sellout_girl_69 says:

    jesus, what a waste. from the title I assumed this might actually swing for the fences, maybe the adventure would have the PCs shrunken down to explore the insides of the cursed vagina like some kind of flesh dungeon? that would actually be, y’know, something. not necessarily better or anything but at least SOMETHING. fuck maybe I should hit up Raggi and try to sell him that myself… you fight giant flesh-burrowing worms or something in there, it practically writes itself.

  5. Reason says:

    Imagine being worse at edgelord naughty-word adventures than both Raggi AND Venger.

    The 3rd edgiest edgelord vagina writers in the OSR.

    Although the 4th most popular folk parody duo in New Zealand turned out to be pretty good.

  6. Kent says:

    It doesn’t even say if the princess can still bear children.

  7. 3llense'g says:

    “jewels and gold, but the bounty is too heavy to be carried” So, like, individually? It has two HUGE jewels and a giant block of gold? EACH too heavy to be carried?

  8. Suggestion: says:

    The Red Room needs to focus on Bryce’s adventure design principles and to carefully read some of the adventures in Bryce’s “the Best” collection to try to learn the basics of the adventure design craft before focusing on shock value.

Leave a Reply