{"id":8170,"date":"2022-09-03T07:13:00","date_gmt":"2022-09-03T11:13:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/tenfootpole.org\/ironspike\/?p=8170"},"modified":"2022-08-24T11:50:40","modified_gmt":"2022-08-24T15:50:40","slug":"imperial-vault-19","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/tenfootpole.org\/ironspike\/?p=8170","title":{"rendered":"Imperial Vault 19"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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By Jospeh R Lewis, Harper Lewis\nDungeon Age Adventures\nOSE\/5e\nLevel 3<\/pre>\n\n\n\n
A grieving widow in the forest begs you to save her baby. A hedge witch has taken the infant down into an old imperial vault where she uses the child\u2019s Chaos tears in alchemical potions. And who knows what old treasures might still be hidden in the vault? Unless it\u2019s not that kind of vault\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Okey doke fuckers! This is part of my new leaf! No longer do I review only terrible ass shit with a surprising turn now and again when something good somehow drags itself hulk out of the cesspool of DriveThru. No! Never again! Now I attempt to review good things! This adventure is good. Ok, that\u2019s done. I can move on to my next project \u2026 hmmm, learn photoshop. Hmmm, ok, time to write more I guess \u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This eleven page adventure uses four pages to describe eight rooms in a linear pointcrawlsish type dungeon\/cave thing. Good formatting. Good descriptions. Good interactivity. And good friends \u2026 ahhhh! But, no seriously, I wish more people were not a problem and write shit like this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And what is it? Just a shitty little adventure. And I don\u2019t mean that in a bad way. Sure, every adventure in the OSR (and, this is a duel adventure, two versions, OSE and 5e, so \u2026 ) should be great exploratory things with The Unknown lurking behind every corner and all of this looping design map shit and all that jazz. And I know full the fuck well that is NOT how people play D&D. You fucking boss and teh customers have been asshats all fucking day long and the group is coming over in an hour to play and you need an adventure NOW. So you jot down some notes and it looks a lot like one of those little lair adventures that every fuckwit on earth is writing and publishing and you play some D&D tonight and people drink beer and stab the king 137 times in the throat and everyone has a good time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And that\u2019s what the fuck this is. Eleven pages. But, really, only four, with eight rooms on it. And there ain\u2019t really no fucking map. Just like a little pointcrawl thing, with each location leading to the next location until you find the baddie at the end. And that\u2019s fucking fine. Do you know why? Because this adventure doesn\u2019t have its head up its ass. It\u2019s eleven pages. A couple of intro pages, a licensing page, a couple of new monster pages a new magic items page. It\u2019s not ten pages of backstory and a one page dungeon and its not using eleven pages to describe three rooms. The balance here is about right for what it is. If you gonna do a little pointcrawel then make some new monsters and new magic items and make it good. And Joseph R Lewis\/Harper Lewis do that. (Are there, really, two of them now? Do they even exist as people? Has anyone every met a joseph R lewis or gamed with them or even seen a message on a forum from them?)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ok, so, first fucking line of the adventure: The ancient world of Harth withers beneath its dying sun\u2026but it\u2019s not dead yet. Yeah? Fuck you. Fuck you to EVERYONE who has ever writtem more than this to describe their game world. I can run that fucking place. It full of possibilities. It\u2019s full of imagination. Ancient world. Harth. Withering. Beneath a dying sun. A thousand literary allusions. But, it\u2019s not dead yet. Pick up that fucking sword, Thomas; I attack with a rage the dying of the light! 19! Do I hit it?Fuck, it\u2019s my dad. FUCK!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Line the second of this fucking adventure: A grieving widow in the forest begs you to save her baby. A hedge witch has taken the infant down into an old imperial vault \u2026\u201dAbsolutely! Ab-so-fukcing-lutly! This is absolutely what has happened! A fucking woman in a forest, on a path, blood on the front of her fucking shift at the crotch. Fuck it, maybe she still needs some fucking placenta hanging out, and, I don\u2019t know, maybe she\u2019s holding some kind of kitchen knife. In shosck and going to get her fucking baby cause aint no one else gonna. Fuck yeah! That\u2019s a fucking scene motherfucker! Fuck you and your your \u201cI got hired by the local archeology guild to go map the vault and blah blah blah blah blah. \u201c  That ain\u2019t a fucking adventure. This is a woman on the worst fucking day of her fucking life. That\u2019s a fucking adventure! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And it\u2019s a fucking witch! You know why it\u2019s a witch? CAUSE THATS WHAT A FUCKING WITCH DOES! Witches steal your fucking baby and do shit with it. I seen that movie The Witch. I know what the fuck they do. This aint no kindly old misunderstood widow in the woods with her fucking healing herb crap. That fucking cunt is gonna fuck your husband AND steal your fucking kid! Better start some fucking gossip! But, no seriously. Yes! Thats what a fucking witch does. It FEELS right. Its what SHOULD happen. I don\u2019t know what the fuck this call, in the Bryce Taxonomy of Everything Design, but it\u2019s fucking important. And it fucking happens here \u2026 IN THE SECOND FUCKING LINE OF THE ADVENTURE.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Format is good. It\u2019s the Dungeon Age format. Triple column that still FEELS easy to read and consult. Bolded words, underlines, more information later on. If I were writing  a book on styles (and, I am \u2026) I would use this as a perfect example of a good format. There\u2019s not a right way, but this is an interesting format and worth looking at and stealing from. Principals if nothing else. It\u2019s easy to fucking scan and find things. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And the entries all start with a nice little evocative description. Short, not overstaying their welcome. \u201cAn ancient stone road carpeted in moss runs down through the dead forest to a sluggish brown river.\u201d Ancient stone. Carpeted in moss. Note the word choice. Dead forest. Sluggish brown river. Are you using words in this way? No? Fuck you then. You suck. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hey, how about an NPC description? You want a couple of paragraphs so you can roleplay it? You want their eye colour and what their dads job was? Fuck you. You\u2019re not getting that shit. You\u2019re instead going to fucking get what you actually need to run the fucking adventure. That fucking witch it \u201cIntellectual. Cruel. Selfish.\u201d A couple of keywords. You\u2019re a fucking DM. Figure it the fuck out. Cause thats part of the fun of being the DM! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m tired of writing. The undead skull of Sir Arkivald, a bold knight of old, has a 1 in 6 chance of knowing your enemies weaknesses. \u201cBy jove, give him what for!\u201d Kick. Fucking. Ass! How about that dragons tooth dagger. Yo uknow what it does? \u201cThis dagger can pierce stone.\u201d That\u2019s your fuckign description. No fucking mechanics. Pure flavour. That\u2019s what magic items are bitches! Wonder and majesty and full of possibilities! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And on and on it goes, calling like a distant wind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hey, you, with the face! You wanna play D&D tonight? Go buy a fucking Dungeon Age adventure and play D&D tonight. This is everything that all of those shitty little publications want to be. All of those micro adventures and one night stands and little pamphlet things. THIS is what they are trying to accomplish. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is $2 at DriveThru. The preview is the full eleven pages. Because JosephR Lewis and Harper Lewis are not assholes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
https:\/\/www.drivethrurpg.com\/product\/407365\/Imperial-Vault-19?1892600<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n
FUNGUS. The Mycotic Sprawl (intelligent, seductive). Throbbing, glowing, warm. Psychic whispers: \u201cJoin us. Sleep. Dream. Forever. Just breathe… breathe us in!\u201d Highly flammable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
STONE ARCH<\/p>\n\n\n\n
[ IN THE RIVER BANK ]<\/p>\n\n\n\n
An ancient stone road carpeted in moss runs down through the dead forest to a sluggish brown river. Bone fragments litter the ground. In the river bank below a creaking black willow tree, the road ends at a scorched stone arch framing two black doors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One day there will be peace. The Hous eof Saud and the Thousand Nations of the Persian Empire will hold talks. There will be food and homes for all. The rivers will run clean and the air fresh. And the major fucking publishers will stop publishing crap and instead people like Jospeh R Lewis will get the attention and laudations they deserve. Joseph R Lewis: Not a fucking idiot.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Jospeh R Lewis, Harper Lewis Dungeon Age Adventures OSE\/5e Level 3 A grieving widow in the forest begs you to save her baby. A hedge witch has taken the infant down into an old imperial vault where she uses … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8169,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[25,29,3,7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8170","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-5e","category-dungeons-dragons-adventure-review","category-reviews","category-the-best"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/tenfootpole.org\/ironspike\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/imp19.jpeg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tenfootpole.org\/ironspike\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8170","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tenfootpole.org\/ironspike\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tenfootpole.org\/ironspike\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tenfootpole.org\/ironspike\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tenfootpole.org\/ironspike\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=8170"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/tenfootpole.org\/ironspike\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8170\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8171,"href":"https:\/\/tenfootpole.org\/ironspike\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8170\/revisions\/8171"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tenfootpole.org\/ironspike\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/8169"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tenfootpole.org\/ironspike\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=8170"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tenfootpole.org\/ironspike\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=8170"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tenfootpole.org\/ironspike\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=8170"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}