Sour Grapes

By Stephen Smith
Mister Smith Design
OSE
Levels 1-3

SIPPING ON SHADOWS FROM A BOTTLE OF BETRAYAL! Ardin Winery, once a flourishing estate, is now on the brink of collapse. The Baroness promises a generous reward to anyone who can save her farm from distress. A sobering reality—her recently deceased husband secretly attempted to formulate an eldritch wine and cheat death—but the dark recipe twisted his body and mind instead. It’s time to uncork the truth!

This 26 page adventure uses three pages to describe thirteen rooms in the basement of a vineyard mansion. It feels like 5e conversion crap, though I can find no of another version. It’s nice to see someone making all of the classic mistakes and producing classic shovelware.

Isn’t it fun, the many myriad ways in which adventures can suck ass? Today we have a classic shovelware adventure. All of the trappings of a decent adventure with none of the content to make it so. Dude made 28 pages of content, art, all of those words, and only three pages are the actual fucking adventure. Which is gonna suck ass, but, imagine what the thirteen adventure rooms could look like if the designer had actually put effort in to them? I mean, all of that effort that went in to the other 25 pages. What if THAT effort was sent on the fucking room keys? You know, the art piece of two wizards (one barefoot. No wizard goes barefoot man.) The brothers, a wizard and an illusionist, that have crafted the bespoke security measures for the winery in which the adventure takes place. That art piece. The backstory for them. WHo don’t appear int eha adventure at all and are never referenced by anyone in any way. That effort. What if instead you had spent that fucking effort on actuall doing your fucking job as a fucking designer and made just one sentence in one room key actuall decent? Think about how you could be proud of that one sentence. How you could have contributed to a better world, producing something worthwhile. Instead of spending your time on AI art prompts for an art piece to accompany the sidebar description of the two magical brothers (one of who doesn’t wear shoes. Yes, that bothers me a lot.) who run a bespoke security company. That has no impact on the adventure at all. But, no, you made a different decision. Put your fucking effort in to the part of the adventure that matters. This is almost always the fucking encounter keys, by a lopsided degree. Yes, content and supplemental material like a wanderer table help with adventure. But the fucking keys ARE the adventure. That’s where most of the designers effort should be. It’s not an afterthought.

Hey, have you ever wondered what a farm field looks like? “Rows of wheat, barley, corn, and root vegetables stretch across the gently rolling hills. The land is tilled in organized sections. Rutted paths allow carts to pass through for harvesting.” Yeah, that’s a farm field. Good thing you put that description in there telling me what a farm field looks like. Otherwise I might not know what a farm field looks like. Over and over again, hammering in mundane and worthless descriptions. We know what a kitchen looks like. Tell us why this kitchen is different. 

Line after line of text description background information. Line after line of text explaining why something is the way it is. “During happier times, the fairgrounds would be hosting lively gatherings and celebrations, with several bungalos offering convenient lodging with stunning views. But today … all is uncommonly quiet.” I don’t fucking care. I DONT FUCKING CARE. It is the way it is NOW. I care about that. You know, something that happens during the actual game of D&D. In the graveyard there’s a fresh grave. Part of the tedium says “Before heading down, he pilfered Chuco’s staff (Vintner’s Vine) for protection. Unfortunately he dropped it in the Fermentation Hall.” I’m knocking one point off of this things final score because the designer didn’t tell us what the dead guy had for breakfast. 

Let’s see, level one and two. The ladies maid, to the baroness who hires you? She’s a level five bard. A level five bard is scrubbing the shit out of a womans chamberpot every morning. Yes, I know, but there are only a couple of servants left. The four or five NPC’s all get long paragraphs describing them that is absolutely useless in running them at the table. As one would expect from a high quality adventure like this.

Oh, right, level one and two adventure. The wanderer table has a hill giant on it. And a decent amount of other monsters. For an upscale vineyard, like, Napa Valley long established estate kind of shit. The fucking fairgrounds have a god damned Press Area on them.  (I chose to believe that this is for reporters and not for pressing grapes.) Did I mention that the entire thing ends with finding … a journal! Ah yes, the classic Find A Journal shitty backstory exposition. How have I have missed thee! Too long have I waded through the shit of Ai crap, not understanding the simple joys of ranting about an exposition dump through a journal that doesn’t mean anything to the adventure. It’s like a pair of comfortable slippers.

A Level five ladies maid. Telling us what a farm field looks like and what it is. Meaningless and long NPC descriptions. A journal describing all of the backstory. Backstory for everything and everyone. No real interactivity beyond fighting. Oh, shitty adventures, how I missed you. It’s nice to see people still churning out the same shit piles that were being turned out twenty years ago. I love you always forever

Near or far, closer together
Everywhere I will be with you
Everything I will do for you
Say it, say it again
I love you always forever
Near or far, closer together
Everywhere I will be with you
Everything I will do for you

This is $5 at DriveThru. The preview is thirteen pages.  You get to see everything worthwhile, the backstory, the farm field description, the level five ladies maid description. The first eleven of the thirteen rooms. Great preview. 

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/en/product/525635/sour-grapes?1892600