Lair of the Battle Mage

By James Floyd Kelly
The Tabletop Engineer
Generic?
"Low Levels

The best stories told by Niloshis the Whisperer here at the Dented Helm Tavern seem to always involve a theft. That old half-elf sorcerer has got a never-ending supply of wild tales. The Lair of the Battle Mage, for example… it’s one of my favorites and the one that’s been asked for tonight. Yes, a detail or two will sometimes change, but the heart of the story? That’s always consistent. Here – have a seat. It looks like he’s beginning his tale…

This 36 page adventure details a wizards tower with five floors. It’s over verbose, over explains, and doesn’t really have any treasure in its boring environments. Yet Another Boring Wizards Tower.

I don’t know how to do this one. Maybe walk you through it from the beginning? That doesn’t seem right. But, this thing seriously has me down in the dumps. The … futility of looking for that shining planet known as Earth.

We start with the usual “feel free to modify this adventure to fit your campaign” shit that prefaces all adventures. This is followed up by the page long backstory telling us all about some wizard that we don’t really care at all about. “The auction houses implored him to seel off part of his magical treasure collection!” Sure. Whatever. So far this is just the usual bad adventure stuff. Or, rather, maybe, the usual de rigour adventure shit that people feel compelled for some reason to include in their adventure serving to pad it out. Then comes a page of plot hooks. Number one is to change the location of the adventure from the city of Windblade to the city the party is currently in. Not a hook. But ok. Number two tells us to push the party to the city of Windblade by having the party encounter ex-members of the wizards adventuring group. This shit goes on and on. There are no real hooks in the adventure included. Just Ooo, maybe there’s treasure inside! Adventurers like treasure! Or maybe someone gives the party a reward for going inside! Or, maybe, they some gossip in the local tavern! No hint of what it couldbe or how to run it. Well, ok, there’s a handout. But really this hook is just “Maybe they get the handout in a tavern as gossip. I really can’t emphasize enough how useless these “hooks” are. More so than usual. It’s not even a caravan guard idea. That would be FAR more specific than anything here. It’s fucking weird man. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like this before.

Then we get a full page write on The Searchers, and the ex members of it. That could have been in one of the hooks. I have no idea. Am I really supposed to be using that hook? Is this the designers old pc party that he is Mary Sue’ing in to the adventure? Whatever. Let’s ig nore that also.

Then we get a full page write up on the local thieves guild and how they are watching the tower, and have been round the clock for two fucking years. When the local spies see the party goin then dude sends two thieves in after them. Not the worst idea on earth, but, also, anentire page for this? Sure man, whatever. 

Then we get a description of the tower. I guess that’s what this next page is. It starts with “To say that Ploren Darkstream was over-protective of his book collection and magic items is an understatement. While Ploren had no desires for lichdom or any post-death modifications to his body, he was sincere in his desire to protect his possessions for all time, including his body.” So … not a description of the tower. Some kind of backstory or justification nonsense. The entire page is a waste except the last paragraph. The tower sits in the NE chunk of the city wih some stables to the left and a burnt out warehouse to the right. At night you can see candles in the the two windows, up high and sometimes hear wood sawing from inside. That’s it. Urban? I guess so … I mean, it is a city. SOmething across the street or behind it? Crowded street? Out in a field on the outskirts? No clue. 

We finally, then, get to the two page description of the front fucking door and getting in. The read-aloud, in italics of course, tells us that “To enter the watchtower it appears that one must go through the front doors. No windows or other entrances are visible on the ground floor.” No. I refuse. There’s a window on the third story? That’s what the fuck they make rope for. But, no, we’re forced in to the front door, which must be picked. It does have a nice little section called “Observations.” This tells us that a candlelight flickers from the topmost window. That You can hear carousing from a tavern two blocks away, and that randos walk by every few minutes and you can smell burnt wood from some nearby warehouse ruins. This is quite nice. We won’t ever get anything quite this nice,in terms of scene setting, any time else in this adventure. By far. It’s also, I think, out of place. The lead in, with the read-aloud telling us we have to go in to the front door, is wildly misplaced. We should have started with this setting information and then transitioned in to the door. Also, I guess we’re kind of in the city since people wander by and the Guards can show up if you are obviously picking the door? Doesn’t sound realistic to me, but, again, whatever. 

Inside we get three pages describing the twenty foot hallway. Then a bunch more pages describing the first floors giant room (one room per floor here, the hallway making the first floor have two is an exception.) Wizoo McWizardson was such a bad  ass that his protective spells, for the first floor, involve a skeleton with a crossbow. Seriously? A skeleton with the crossbow? Melt the wall of reality, command tears in the fabric of existence. But, your protective spell ia skeleton with a crossbow? I LOATHE the fact that wizards towers never FEEL like a wizards tower.

Ok, I’;m out. The read-aloud massively over reveals in every room. Your Call To Adventure (an explicit section heading in each room) in one level is to “survive the traps in the room. Survive the awakened crossbow-wielding skeletons. Move to the second floor.” A call to adventure indeed! Where “Adventure” is defined as Monotony and a lack of interactivity.

The fabulous fucking treasure that the wizard is known for? A set of gauntlets and a shield. Oh, and a small leather pouch with some gold coins in it. The GM is encouraged to put a value on some of the books in the library. “The GM may also use the desk as a source of a magic item or some treasure for the players to discover.”

I loathe my life.

This is $10 at DriveThru. The preview is five pages and shows you nothing of consequence to make a purchasing decision. 

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/390781/Tavern-Tales-1-Lair-of-the-Battle-Mage?1892600