The Brazen Beast

By Garnett Elliott
Self Published
Barbarians of Lemuria

An advanced siege-engine, centuries ahead of its time, lies unclaimed on a bloody battlefield. But when heroes set forth to salvage the Brazen Beast, they discover a festering evil, much worse than the mundane horrors of war—and it wants the Beast for itself!

This 21 page adventure has … two fights? And a couple of talky talky encounters, all on a battlefield overrun by a death cult led by an Elder Vampire. I guess Barbarians of Lemuria is some kind of cinematic/story game? This adventure is, anyway. Padded to fuck and back, there’s nothing to see here.

General Buttmunch is in charge of the armies of the city of Loofa. They just fought a battle yesterday and killed off the evil Other City that was invading. Oh, also, General Buttmuchasaurus brews beer. Sure. Whatever. Anyway, you’re sent out to get the siege engine thingy the other side had. Also, be careful, the gleaners that went out didn’t come back. Also, he’s just too busy to send his own men to go do this important task. Sure. Whatever. Off you go. 

Let’s see … you see some ghouls running away from the battlefield. You maybe find a kid hiding; their parents were abducted by the evil Clorox cult. That’s their tents over there, and you could go save them if you wanted. Then you find the siege engine and its crazed inventor inside. Then four waves of CLorox cultists attack the siege engine. Then you’re done. Yeah you! You plotted the plot!

Yeah, there’s cringe shit here that don’t make sense. But, the game design decisions are THE WURST. At multiple points in the adventure you are called on to make perception checks. And if you fail then you don’t get to do something interesting. That kid, hiding? I hope you made your skill check or you don’t find them. And then you don’t get the interaction with them, the moral quandary, and the subplot of the cultists ceremony to sacrifice the parents. It does this in other places as well, making you pass a perception check to find the adventure. This is exactly the same as putting your entire dungeon behind a secret door. These sorts of complications are a major part of D&D. THAT”S the interactivity that we’re looking for. You don’t put that behind a skill check. You put boons behind one, maybe. But the interesting parts of the adventure? You don’t put that behind one. Unless you’re this crappy thing.

Those Clorox cultists? Same thing. They are having this big ceremony in the middle of the carnage. They got a stage and shit. Like a rock concert, we’re told several times. They got that kids parents are are gonna sacrifice. We’re told several times of the overwhelming numbers of cultists. And, yet, the adventure wants the party to rush the stage and free the parents … because the cultists are “distracted” with their ceremony. What fucking party is going to come up with that as a plan? Rushing overwhelming numbers?

Let’s see here. General Asshat refers to the gleaners as The Dregs. Humph. I think you mean free enterprise oriented individuals on the lower rungs of your social economic ladder whose wealth inequality has forced them to find inefficiencies in your system to exploit and make more productive? Is that what you mean by dregs? It’s the old game; underspend on post-battlefield guards and memorials and then complain to score political points.

Lets see … other shitty things. The CLorox cult is led by an elder vampire .. who uses a parasol to go out in the sun. Bleach. New school vamp suck ass. Long sections of italcs for read-aloud; that’s always fun to suffer through. Oh,oh, you can meet the vampire on the battlefield as a wanderer! And then “As soon as the fight starts going badly, Lucretia burns a Rival/Villain Point to make a Timely Escape. She’ll be seeing the heroes again soon enough!” No agency for you, puny players! Just stick your fucking asses to the chairs and play on your phones, unengaged, until the game is over. Why bother playing when your actions have no impact? And did I mention “As luck would have it, PCs run into the vampire aboard her carnage chariot (if still intact) at some dramatically appropriate time, accompanied by a warrior priestess and Chorax’s avatar (if summoned” Uh huh. Dramatically appropriate. Fuck you. Oh, and the vampire burns some kind of villain/story point thing in order to force the players to listen to their soliloquy. What the fuck? There’s a game mechanic just to torture the players? Why would anyone ever do this?

This is free at DriveThru.

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/463129/SC8-The-Brazen-Beast