Categories: Dungeons & Dragons Adventure ReviewReviews

Village on the Borderlands

By Mark Taormino
Dark Wizard Games
OSRIC
Levels 1-3

Enjoy those fucking hill giants at level one, you fucking idiots!

The Hamlet of Taldren has been a peaceful settlement for many years, however dark times have fallen upon its denizens. Roving bands of Ogres have been raiding the stockpiles and animal pens in the night! It is believed they answer to a rambunctious giant living in a nearby lush green valley known as the Hill Giant Highlands. There have also been reports of strange animated fungi plant monsters appearing in the Caverns of the Wicked Peaks. Folks have even spotted bandits lurking around the ruins of Sternholm Keep and wandering skeletons in the old cemetary in the Forest of the Fallen Oaks. The villagers have cobbled together a ragtag group of willing adventurers to put an end to these dastardly fiends wherever they spawn. Fame, fortune and glory await those brave souls who can defeat these evil monsters and restore order to the Village on the Borderlands!

This 64 page adventure describes a village and four small dungeons. It represents all that is wrong with the universe and I literally do not give one shit about it. 

Fucking garbage through and through, that’s what this is. A complete insult to every other adventure ever written, the last fifteen years of the internet, and every bit of common sense that should be available to even the most casual fan of Dungeons and Dragons. I hope I die before I wake.

64 pages is what we get. For fifteen fucking dollars. Fifteen dollars. I’m not usually one to bitch about price, but it’s this kind of shit that gives moderately priced supplements a bad name. Why the fuck would I ever spend even five dollars on something if this is the kind of quality I can expect to get from it? Why not just pirate the fucking thing since it’s going to be garbage anyway. Sure, tell yourself you’ll pay for it if its good, whatever gets you through the night. The real issue is that this dude took fifteen dollars from me and gave me this great steaming pile of shit. Why ever buy anything? Just take the shit they shovel down your fucking throat and be fucking happy that they didn’t also kill you when they fucking did it. Expectations. Don’t have any. Ever. Just expect that you are burning your fucking money. If anything else happens then be fucking thrilled about it.

But, of course, the first 36 pages describe the village. An utterly boring village. I’m not even sure how you get to 36 pages describing a village. Oh, wait, I know, you describe fifteen farmers hovels. All idyllic. All with chicken and all french country kitchen and tuscan kitchen. No, don’t get your fucking hopes up, the descriptions aren’t that good. Oh, they are long as all fuck. Long, overlong, read-aloud. And long DM text. Paragraphs. Long ones. With lots and lots and lots of bolding. Of Entire sentences. Multiples sentences at a time. Half of a long paragraph bolded. Whats the fucking point of doing this? You’re calling attention to what exactly? That there’s a jar of pepper on the shelf? It’s a fucking abomination. Theres NOTHING going on in this place. NOTHING. Take this, one small snippet from an overly long DM text that happens after an overly long read-aloud about Yet Another Farmers Hovel “He is looking for extra money so he may offer to sell the PCs his Potion of Water Breathing for a reasonable price (GMs discretion). His wife is dressed in a modest, but well-kept dress that hints at elegance despite its simplicity and her blonde hair is tied back in a neat bun” You could have fucking done something with that. But, nope, nothing. The highlight is a druid that is blind. If you steal from him it’s a “moral challenge”, but, also, he’s got 400pp in a chest along with a +3 dagger and a necklace of prayer beads, along with other goodies. Moral test indeed! And these ARE the highlights, by far, so don’t go fucking telling yourself that you can handle something with that kind of content. 

Oh, oh, all of the read-aloud is in second person. Everything. EVERYTHING. Second person. “

As you survey the area you can’t help but wonder what other dangers and mysteries this valley holds” Pardon me while I throw up in my mouth from the hackneyed writing and then throw up again from the second person writing. 

And this extends to the writing in the dungeons. Fucking railroaded encounters. Oh, no, not that kind. Oh no it’s the absolute worst kind. After suffering through a long read-aloud about a throne room in a cave it ends with the figure on the trone standing up and saying “My blade and I have been waiting for you.”  If you stumble upon some ogres in the hill giant caves then one of the read-alouds ends with “The one with the club drunkenly grumbles about him cheating as he turns around and notices your party. He speaks in Common, “Any of you want to play Knucklebones with me… hiccup?” So fuck you and fuck your stealth. Fuck your invisibility. Fuck your wizard eye and gaseous form. Fuck everything you, as a player, do. Fucking railroaded second person read-aloud. I thought I had seen everything but this is surely a new low in adventure design. 

Page long read-aloud. Quarter page read-aloud. That throne room? The art above the room entry shows a skeleton dude on a throne. Turns out though that it’s just a normal human dude. Perfect. The art is not just not contributing to the adventure it is actually working against comprehension. Just the fuck what I want in an D&D adventure. 

It’s all fucking garbage. The village. The dungeons. All trash. Second person. Too long read-aloud. Too long DM text. Bolding EVERYWHERE to the point it actually causes more confusion than not using it. Boring ass dungeon full of stabbing things and a few traps. “Use DMs discretion” advice everywhere. 

This thing can go fuck itself. FIfteen fucking dollars. Fuck you man. Fuck You. Dark Wizard Games needs to get a lot smarter a lot faster.

This is $15 at DriveThru. The preview is ten pages. Check ou preview page five/real page three for an idea of the bolding issues, but, imagine MORE bolding. 

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/453131/Village-on-the-Borderlands-1E?1892600

Bryce Lynch

View Comments

  • Bryce, it was good of you to give Mark Taormino and Dark Wizard Games yet another chance to see if there was any improvement in module quality - unfortunately there is clearly no improvement! Mark and Dark Wizard Games go do your homework by reading and running a number of adventures from Bryce’s The Best list!

    • Now I can take criticism as an author but this was just beyond ridiculous and distorted to the folks reading your blog. Some of your points may be valid with grammar and stats and it does have some faults here and there maybe 20% to be generous in my opinion as the official hack writer of the module!

      I will let your BLOG READERS decide if they "agree" with all of your laughable criticisms about my VotB module. To all of Bryce's fans remember what he said that it is: "Fucking garbage through and through, that’s what this is. A complete insult to every other adventure ever written, the last fifteen years of the internet, and every bit of common sense that should be available to even the most casual fan of Dungeons and Dragons."

      Now... for the folks reading this blog, here is a link for you to download "Village on the Borderlands" 1E PDF of 64 pages for FREE and see how "accurate" this reviewer Bryce is on this one. Read it and you will be able to do a first hand examination and in YOUR OWN PERSONAL OPINION ask yourself HONESTLY the following questions: "Do I agree 100% with Bryce's review?" and "Do his opinions of this module REALLY match my own now that I have read it myself?" and "Would MY players enjoy this?":

      Village on the Borderlands 1E PDF:
      https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/31fx13l6xeqljwb09ew1q/Village_on_the_Borderlands_1E_Combined_v1_FULL_RELEASE_07_27_23.zip?rlkey=3zquovaetyptnt8jlfn15uh4m&dl=0

      Here is what the physical book looks like:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4nVI7AfZMY

      And if you want to see an honest review of the module with good and bad check out this video here which calls it "... one of the more charming fantasy villages available":
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vsiHse7JlQ

      And here is what the actual fans of my modules say about them:
      https://www.darkwizardgames.com/testimonials.php

      I will strive to improve any grammar or stat issues in my books but I will continue make the modules and story lines my way that my true fans love. Good day sir... and PS I will still send you all the modules in PDF for free if you like! Save your money, kid!

  • Looks like it made $33k on Kickstarter. This dude has found an audience or at least can market his adventures.

  • Does level 1-3 mean start at 1 end at 3, or that it works for a mix of PCs between levels 1 to 3? Not that it makes much difference against giants... just curious.

  • Wait. $33K? How is that possible? Who is the audience (in a super-saturated RPG adventure market) that is clamoring for this?

    Is the writer a celebrity? WTF?

    • I think (from quickly scrolling through the campaign), that the premise was that the village is going to be a dynamic and lively locale. I guess people liked the idea. Slap some old school art to go with it and raise 33k.

    • Step 1: drop the word “Borderlands” in your product title.
      Step 2: have some old-school art ready.
      Step 3: exploit grognard nostalgia.
      Step 4: ???? (Normally, produce good module, but let’s be honest, that’s optional.)
      Step 5: Profit!

      • Step 4.5: Pray to the D&D gods that the nostalgic grognards DO NOT search for reviews of your previous modules by either Bryce, Prince or Melan!

    • "Is the writer a celebrity? WTF?"

      ummmm... yes actually.... he is an actor (shorts and music videos mostly) who has worked with Keisha, Lil Wayne, and Jenna Jameson to name a few. He has a Hollywood following and is a bit of a jack-of-all-trades. He targets people who want old school trappings and things that "aren't politically correct" so the audience of grognards is already built in.

      • This is incorrect and displays your lack of knowledge of adventures. The purpose of an adventure is to run it at the table. That's it. While it is theoretically possible to include recipes in an adventure and not detract from the adventures quality, what actually happens, 99% of the time, is that the designer focuses too much on the recipes, or some other aspect of the adventure, to the detriment of the adventures overall quality. So, if the adventure was good I suspect the recipes wouldn't even be mentioned. But, it's not good. or even close to good. And thus the question is raised: what if the designer spent his time on honing the adventure rather than fucking about with recipes?

        • It's interesting that you think the sole purpose of an adventure is to play it at the table. Actually, the goal is to have fun. If some people enjoy recipes, there's nothing wrong with including them. They might even make the food and enjoy it while playing, which could enhance the experience. You should give it a try. Who knows? Maybe you'll enjoy it so much you won't cuss as much with your mouth full.

          • Again, you bring your Newtonian views to the Quantum department. Fun is a subjective experience. Are the players in a good mood? How many dicks did the DM have to suck today? Many things can contribute to fun. Yes, to a degree everything is subjective, however I keep a list of standards for good adventures and abide by them in my reviews. We attempt to have judge based on that, a thesis that we defend time and again in reviews. The number one complaint of adventures is not that they are not fun, it is that they are hard to run. It IS the purpose of an adventure, to be an efficient and effective mechanism to enable fun at the table. That comes down evocative writing that helps a DM imagine and communicate the surroundings, a formatting and writing style that makes it easy for the DM to locate information during play, and interactive elements in the adventure.

  • If you do want what is the best of Mark's products...I highly recommend
    Monsters of Mayhem #1. It's pretty darn good. Art and formatting are both really nice.

  • Wow, you had me laughing hysterically at your wildly misleading, hate filled review of my Village on the Borderlands module! I get it... "man-child RPG rage reviews" - it's your funny shtick in life and AVGN would be proud if he knew who you were. I stumbled across your blog today as I just ordered another mass physical print run of my VotB 1E modules to fulfill recent website and retailer orders for my Dark Wizard Games website.

    Now I can take criticism as an author but this was just beyond ridiculous and distorted to the folks reading your blog. Some of your points may be valid with grammar and stats and it does have some faults here and there maybe 20% to be generous in my opinion as the official hack writer of the module!

    I will let your BLOG READERS decide if they "agree" with all of your laughable criticisms about my VotB module. To all of Bryce's fans remember what he said that it is: "Fucking garbage through and through, that’s what this is. A complete insult to every other adventure ever written, the last fifteen years of the internet, and every bit of common sense that should be available to even the most casual fan of Dungeons and Dragons."

    Now... for the folks reading this blog, here is a link for you to download "Village on the Borderlands" 1E PDF of 64 pages for FREE and see how "accurate" this reviewer Bryce is on this one. Read it and you will be able to do a first hand examination and in YOUR OWN PERSONAL OPINION ask yourself HONESTLY the following questions: "Do I agree 100% with Bryce's review?" and "Do his opinions of this module REALLY match my own now that I have read it myself?" and "Would MY players enjoy this?":

    Village on the Borderlands 1E PDF:
    https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/31fx13l6xeqljwb09ew1q/Village_on_the_Borderlands_1E_Combined_v1_FULL_RELEASE_07_27_23.zip?rlkey=3zquovaetyptnt8jlfn15uh4m&dl=0

    Here is what the physical book looks like:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4nVI7AfZMY

    And if you want to see an honest review of the module with good and bad check out this video here which calls it "... one of the more charming fantasy villages available":
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vsiHse7JlQ

    And here is what the actual fans of my modules say about them:
    https://www.darkwizardgames.com/testimonials.php

    I will strive to improve any grammar or stat issues in my books but I will continue make the modules and story lines my way that my true fans love. Good day sir... and PS I will still send you all the modules in PDF for free if you like! Save your money, kid!

    • Hi. I think it shows that you believe in your product when you give it to us for free to judge. I chose to go into it with an open mind, although I agree with Bryce some 90% of the times in general.

      I struggled. I gave up reading on page 10, where there is a read aloud that goes for 2 pages. But if the rest of the village continues like the first 10 pages, I'll tell you my honest opinion.

      1. Read alouds are horrible. Second person and long is a terrible design choice in 2024 when aclaimed products have shown us how much easier it is to run a terse document.
      2. General wordy issues. You spend 2 paragraphs to tell us about a house that its only interest is that the NPC can identify gems. You can do this in 1, 2 sentences. Use bullets even.
      3. The bolding is truly working against the reasons and benefits of using bold letters.

      May it be some good content in your document? I don't know. As I said I was appaled by the read aloud at page 10 and gave up. I guess it's possible. But not in this format.

      What I think is the main issue with the adventure though, is the tone of your replies half a year later. It shows you cannot take bad reviews and criticism and just enjoy the good words that come from people who enjoy your work, ignoring the other side.

      • Ok I will take your notes and seek improvement in those areas. Keep in mind these 1-3 points you mentioned are all personal likes and dislikes. Some folks may not like them and others do. So I'll just have to accept that.

        I have had PLENTY of fair and honest reviews pointing out good and bad in my work that's fine I never argued with them, but as to why I am responding now is this is first time I found this review (and yes I know he also trashed my other 3 modules Secret Machines of the Star Spawn, Dread Swamp of the Banshee and Shadow of the Necromancer).

        Also I have never had such an unhinged "professional" reviewer throwing his tantrum and telling people to "steal" the product and throwing out the F-BOMBs at me - like a petulant child:

        "This thing can go fuck itself. Fifteen fucking dollars. Fuck you man. Fuck You. Dark Wizard Games needs to get a lot smarter a lot faster. Fucking garbage through and through, that’s what this is. A complete insult to every other adventure ever written, the last fifteen years of the internet, and every bit of common sense that should be available to even the most casual fan of Dungeons and Dragons. I hope I die before I wake. Why not just pirate the fucking thing since it’s going to be garbage anyway. Sure, tell yourself you’ll pay for it if its good, whatever gets you through the night." - Bryce a.k.a Professional RPG Reviewer

        I first replied professionally but I did have to drop down to his petulant child tantrum as well. I will seek to improve the points you mentioned and thanks for checking it out!

        • Well, this "professional" made all of a couple of hundred dollars last year, 80% from the Patreon. After website expenses I'm in the hole. "We gotta start charging more for this ice!"

          Let's look at that "opinion" comment you made, Mark. Sure, I can accept that it's just opinion. Everything is. I'm even down for the fact that non-Aristotelian logic can have value, meaning math is subjective. And it's also the case that when 99% of the population declares that "not eating feces for breakfast is good" then we can, as a matter of course, declare as a truth that not eating shit for breakfast is a good idea. The alternative leads to the arch-heretic Derrida.

          So, points one one through three are only opinion in as much as, yes, everything is opinion. Otherwise, the general consensus of the community is that they are valuable. Much in the same way that you are allowed to order your expensive steak well done.

    • I read through it, skipping the cookbook, and here are my honest thoughts in no particular order.
      1) The Shambling Mound is a guaranteed TPK for a 3rd level party. As stated it just appears in melee. It has 9 HD, AC 0, is majorly resistant to damage, and deals out massive damage.
      2) The 0-level/first level commoner peasants are FANTASTICALLY WEALTHY. The laborer with a large family? The guy that digs ditches and hauls hay for a living? He has about 4,700 gp in wealth and a Ring of Telekinesis. Others are as rich and there are a TON of magic items in the villagers' simple huts. Its like they found a dragon that died of old age and split up its loot. If the villagers combined 1/20th of their cash and just the magic items listed as 'the owner might sell' they could HIRE a 7th level party to solve all the village's problems.
      3) Why are there 4 bandits hiding behind a pile of rubble waiting for adventurers to start clearing out the rubble? All they are guarding is a pool of piranha. They can't attack unless someone else digs out the rubble or THEY do. Any why do they have 3-4 chests of treasure with them?
      4) Why doesn't the paladin obey the rules on not accumulating excess wealth? How does a 1st level fighter have 16 HP?
      There's more like that, but I think this is enough of an example.

  • Marks post got caught in the comment URL spam filter, so he double posted. I just approved them both

    • Yeah, I know I suck. It's the hookers and coke.
      I'm stuck on writing up good examples. And then finding bibliography resources.
      I retire from work in ten months. Except more work then.

      • Yes DO THE KICKSTARTER unless you're SCARED LOL. If it looks anything like your logo for this AVGN forum here with the "stick figure" art and a blurry Tomb of Horrors image then... WOW you are a real professional! I can HARDLY wait to see YOUR MODULE ONE DAY if you ever get the courage to write one and show us all "what is what" since you are the expert on module writing! It better be one GODDAMNED FANTASTIC module that uses no traditional fantasy tropes since you hate those! FYI I am doing my module business as my only full time income job since last year. I hope one day you can do the same my super talented friend.

        • Mark, I understand you're very angry. I've reviewed about 5000 adventures at this point. And I say that not to say that you should do what I say, but, rather, that perhaps there are people who might have opinions other than you do. You don't have to do what someone says but, also, maybe pay attention. Consider the alternatives and give it some thought and see how it impacts what you are doing. And, a little research would have shown several I've written.

          On another note, how are things going buddy? In your personal life, I mean? I'm a little worried about you.

          • Not very nice to ask a Rape Review victim how they are. Lot’a F’s in this “Review” Bryce. Not super conservative. And from what you’ve also said, your “Reviews” are just your opinions, which means you have over 5000 opinions. Me to. Unshared. How many individual modules have you played to justify your opinions? How many have you run? How many campaigns? How many one-shots? 5000+ opinions is a lot but are they just D&D modules? I’ll be checking them out now. What about other ttrpg system “Reviews”? I’m confused that you can think such abusive opinion sharing would make sense for any future version of you that tries to publish anything.

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Bryce Lynch
1 year ago

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