John Mill’s Wet Dream

By  Gustavo Tertoleone
Black Dog
OSE
Level ?

A Vampire seeks adventurer for hiring because an investigation must be done in the village nearby. How come everyone is happy all the time? Why outsiders always see nervous smiles? What is the midnight mass that take place with many hooded figures? Why John Mill is having a wet dream while dead?

This 32 page adventure uses five pages to describe an underground temple with five rooms. *sigh* A conversational style. A lot of “first this happens and then this happens” and no specificity about anything. If you skip nothing else in your life, skip this.

Ok, so, a vampire dude hires you. Rumors are hes a vampire. His butler is a ghoul. He acts funny and sees you at night. He’s a vampire. And he hires you to go investigate this village because he thinks there’s a Ladybug there. Basically, a negative energy vampire that sucks unhappiness out of people. He thinks it is being held captive and wants the party to free it cause he feels bad for it. And he can’t do it because everyone in the village is super duper religious. Uh huh. Whatever. Anyway, this all takes place up till page thirteen. 

Then we start in on the village. There’s this Omega stone structure in a field. That’s all we get. Nothing about the villagers, or the village. Just the structure and that they are all very nice and helpful. And on Saturday they all go to the hidden church under the stone structure. No villagers to interact with. No quirks. Nothing interesting other than they are very helpful. Great. This takes us up to page seventeen. Oh, we learn that seven of the villagers are level three of four magic users. (The stats in the back have then listed as 2 HD. I guess two d6 HD?)  Anyway, this is introduced with “So, at this point it is important to mention that some of the people living in here are Magic Users of 3rd and 4th level.” Yeah. We’re gonna get to the writing style.

Next up is the underground temple. Five rooms. All pretty much ceremonial rooms. Get undressed, bathe, anoint, that kind of shit. And the last room has the ladybug person with all of the villagers asleep in it. Great. Excitement unbound. That’s the end. 

The adventure bills itself, on the cover that doesn’t have a level range, as “an adventure of true horror.” Uh huh.

The writing style is stooopidily conversational and … jokey? “However, during the process, One of the gods started to complaint about the dishes never been done, and that this was a tremendous disrespect to the other gods, because everybody knew already it was Ned, even though Ned wouldn’t confirm.: Uh huh. DId I mention the references to Nick Cage? Uh huh. And, here’s a great aside in the text “And, although I believe torture to be not just morally abject, but also a terrible way to get information from people, in this very specific case it can be a good idea.” The entire fucking text is like this. Full of asides that do nothing but clog up the text. Sure, stick in a sly comment here and there for the DM, but this kind of shit is just terrible. How the fuck are you supposed to slog your way through an adventure with this shit in there? Local information? As if.

And slog you will. Because the adventure is fully organized in a “first this hing happens and then this thing happens” paragraph form. And, I don’t really mean events, or scenes, I think. More of a first do this thing to the players and then let the players learn this other thing. Even though, frankly, I’m struggling to recall any of things that the players are supposed to learn. 

It’s all just crap. Nothing to see; move along, move along.

This is $5.55 at DriveThru.  The preview is seven pages. You get to see the intro with the vampire lord dude. It’s a good indication of whats to come. How the intro is organized, in a first this then this happens way, is how the entire adventure is.

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/439963/John-Mills-Wet-Dream?1892600