The Crystal Wood

By Matthew Lock
Parts Per Million
Worlds Without Number
Levels 3-5

A local Innkeeper would like you to investigate the disappearances of the foresters and find out what happened to the search party. He suggests you speak to the village priest to look at the body of the returning villager. He is willing to offer a good reward.

This 41 page digest adventure has … I don’t know … six encounters? I’m considering selling out and becoming a much more person because of this adventure.

I kind of hate old people. Speaking as an old person, this becomes a bit of a poser. But, actually, I don’t think it’s old people I hate so much as people who are set in their ways. How did they get that way? What thing caused them to become the sort of person who became pessimistic, sit in their easy chair, and bitch all day long about The Kids These Days and shake their fists at the clouds? This is a relevant discussion because, after this adventure, I am considering a new feature to the blog website. I have, in the past resisted the idea of a Hall of Shame list. We need not focus on the foibles of an individual evermore. In a land where everything you have ever done, every humiliation, misstep and flub lives on forever … why make that worse? Do you really need to see your name on a list of things so terrible that it results in that most of evil of things: a generalization? I mean, to be put alongside the the company of brazen money grabbers who have sold out for a release schedule and revenue stream … is it really fair to just lump someone on to a list with that company?

Ok, so, let’s see. This is, essentially, an imposter. The entry on DriveThru looks professional. The cover image certainly looks so, yes? The same pages look like the layout is groovy. Or, at least enough to pass.And, there’s like, a million other products listed by the same publisher in ribbon format. Dudes got his act together!

Or, maybe not …

Looking at that entry, there’s not really any marketing blurb of what the adventure is ABOUT. Even the introduction, a screenshot from the text. It’s just some generic nonsense that doesn’t say anything, followed  by “The Plot”, which is essentially a hook. “There’s a dead body” Uh. Ok. Context for the DM? No. We continue in to the adventure, proper, with the maps. They are not maps. They are, essentially, battle maps. So, “three encounter in the forest” actually means “three things in a large clearing, one of which is The Approach to the clearing. And, then, another clearing with five encounters. Essentially one room with five numbers on it. These are battle map encounters. So, 41 page pages for three room encounters, essentially. Uh huh. 

How about a wandering monster table with “Small pack predators” on it. Yup, the soul of specificity right there. And, that’s when I remembered I had seen this publisher before. And wondered if “Not being a pessimistic grump” was worth the continued exposure to this shit.

How about two and half pages for a monster stat block? That’s cool, right? The adventure doesn’t evenget going to page eighteen, That’s how long it takes to get to the fucking lineline in which you get some semblance of what is going on in the adventure. You wander through the woods. I’m guessing you hit the first clearing, and then the second. The second has a cave mount, mentioned in the text and not on the map, that leads to the third encounter. But the first and second are just listed, there. How do you get to them/between them? Who knows.

This is just shit. The page looks professional. The cover certainly does. The layout isn’t terrible. The maps look interesting. But then you find out its just a battle map. And there’s no overview of summary of what’s going on. No marketing. And that layout is just hiding a three page monster stat block.

I don’t know what to do here. How do you review three encounters that take up 41 pages. It’s pantomime. Someone is doing this on purpose and yet to no effect. 

This is $4 at DriveThru. The preview is the entire thing. So don’t say you weren’t warned.

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/425033/The-Crystal-Wood–A-Worlds-Without-Number-Compatible-Adventure?1892600

Fun Fact: In this adventure with giant crystal ants, I read, at some point:  “it attacks with its martial arts”  “Huh”, I said. Turns out it said magical arts. TIme to cut back on the Sambuca in the morning coffee.