Tower of the Chronomancer

By Sean C. Sexton
Self Published
5e
Levels 5-6

I beg your indulgence, gentle readers

Standing on a grassy hilltop, it seems unremarkable from a distance. Two stories high, cylindrical, thatched roof. Simple and idyllic. There’s even a whisper on the breeze, or maybe a thought in the back of your mind: There’s nothing to see here. What brought you in the first place? Just turn around and go back. Those that venture nearer find that it’s much more than meets the eye. The closer you get, the taller the tower seems to be… until standing at its base, the tower rises dozens of floors and pierces the sky. Do you have the courage to enter the unknown sanctum? What could possibly await you within? Gather your allies and find out!

This 42 page overly formatted and linear “challenge” tower uses about 22 pages to present about thirteen rooms/challenges. Flowery text. Despair.

I’m in this liquor store. I’m trying to make some hot chocolate from the French alps. Which basically means its like normal hot chocolate but they dump some chartreuse in it. So, hey don’t have any, surprise, and dude sees me looking and is like “can I help you?” and I’m like “looking for chartreuse” and he checks the computer and is like Yeah, we normally carry it but we’re out. And that sucks, I know there was a shortage, but still? And, also, this shit ass little liquor store, sandwiched between a cigar shop and a sex toy shop, with, like three aisles in it, stocks chartreuse? So, anyway, I ended up with a bottle of anus flavoured sambuca, which is going to sit the fuck around the house forever, so, I put it in my coffee. Not bad, for anus. No, but, it will make the bottle go away. So, I’m deep in to it now. As I look at this adventure. With a resignation in my eyes. You know, that kind of defeated sigh you give? Weary eyes. Shoulders slumped down and forward. Head nodded. My whole face feels tired. So scarlet they were maroon.

Okey doke folks! How did that make you feel? Ok, and how does this line from the adventure make you feel? ““You should not have come here, but this timeline is already ruined. Can you finish what I started? Can you understand true devotion?” No? Throwing up a little? What if I added that there’s a violin version of Seal’s Kiss From a Rose playing?

It’s a challenge dungeon. I fucking hate challenge dungeons. It is the modern equivalent of putting one long hallway with a bunch of doors hanging off of it. They are SOOOOOO supremely low effort. And each fuuucking room starts with some dude giving you a clue. Hence that Can You Understand True Devotion crap. 

Have I mentioned I also hate it when the text addresses the party? Like “can YOU understand …” Or the read-aloud that ends with “What brought you here to begin with? Do you turn back?” You know what, if a fucking DM ever asks me that then I’m going to turn the fuck back. Yeah, you know, I shouldn’t ruin a game, but Jesus H FUCKING Christ, there have got to be some limits as to what you can put up with. 

Ok, so like thirteen levels and you need to complete each one. You don’t get to walk up stairs, you get to use the teleportation circles. You know it before I type it: you have to complete the rooms challenge before the circle will teleport you to the next room. *sigh* Because whatever. Which floor you go to is completely random. Unless you don’t want it to be. Then the recommended order is 2, 5, 10, 3, 4, 9, 6, 8, 7, 11, and then 12. Because 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12 would not make sense? 

When you walk up to the tower you have to make a DC12 investigation check to find the door. I wonder how many parties fail that check? Does the DM fudge? Do they say “Well, no adventure for you tonight?” Do no parties every fail because DC 12 is trivial for a group of sixes? Oh, also, KNOCK doesn’t work on the front door because Fuck You solve the fucking riddle. This is not how D&D works. 

“The tower seems unremarkable” We don’t do that. We do not use seems or appears to be. 

“You may only hold one Tempus Rose at a time.” Why? How? I can’t physically hold more than one? 

“In the event the party can’t fly, climb, or otherwise reach the [elevated] exit …” then the DM is instructed to lower the exit to their level. 

Why even bother anymore?

I guess I botched about the formatting. I should cover that. Bolding. Underlining. Bolded and underlined. Boxed text. Shaded text. Blue text. Different type of shaded text. SOlid bullets. Open bullets. Bolded and larger font. Another different type of background shading for text. Red text. Orange text. A different color of blue text. Italics. Green text. 

Sometimes designers go off the deep end in trying to make things clear, and this is an example of that. In trying to make things clear you make the text too busy to follow. Don’t do that.

This is $4 at DriveThru. Preview is seven pages. You get to see several pages of the adventure, so, look upon it and despair! But, hey, great job with the preview man!

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/402142/Tower-of-the-Chronomancer?1892600