Children of the Stone

By Matt Kline
Creations' Edge Games
S&W
Levels 9-11

Merchant caravans passing through the valley known as The Walled Path have reported being attacked by roaming earth elementals and brigands with rock-hard skin. Signs point to the return of an evil cult…. [Shitty low-effort marketing blurb]

This fifteen page adventure uses about seven pages to describe ten rooms in a simple cultist cave. Garbage, as the french would say, [hey, foreign-folk, I was gonna be all cosmopolitan and shit and put an accent grave over the e, but I forgot how in WordPress. Oops. Sorry] with an uninspired and lame setup, mediocre writing, and nothing interesting on. [Shitty low-effort marketing summary]

For as much as I loathe my own continued existence, I do get to tell the same stories over and over again. Like, when a young little Bryce discovered this “OSR” thing, full of wonder and joy! And the forums! Full of people just as excited! And, look, a list of adventures to get, and the people say they are good! Except they were not good. They sucked ass. Boring adventures with mediocre, at best, writing. And, thusly, a tenfootpole. This adventure is a throwback to, what fifteen years ago? That same kind of nonsense I encountered back then, returned anew. [Shitty low-effort self aggrandizement]

Ohs nos! Some caravans have gone missing! The merchants guild hires your LEVEL ELEVENS!!! Jesus Christ man .. are you all winos? What he fuck, tired of killing the heads of all of the pantheons so yu’ve hiring out to the local merchants guild? For … 1000gp? Man, I’m not even pissing my pants, my own or someone else, for 1000gp if I’m level eleven. Fuck me, a level six in OD&D, is essentially unkillable, if the player isn’t dumb, as long as there isn’t a confusion spell or some shit. And these are level elevens. Sure thing. Oh, and if hiring out to the merchants guild, WHO GIVES YOU A PLANER SEAL, isn’t your kind of thing then the designer suggests that “Perhaps the group has agreed to serve as escorts for a caravan passing through The Walled Path when they come under attack by members of the cult.” You know what low effort means, right? Of course you do, you read this shit for some reason. And All of the bandits inside, like, I don’t know, eight bandits in total? are 9hd. That’s like lords in their own right, but, whatever.  [Shitty low-effort focus on non-adventure component.]

An entire page for the storage room. An entire backstory for the storage room. A shitty little uninspired read-aloud for a storage room. A group of bandits that appear a million words after the read-aloud with no other indication they are in the room. Oh, oh, and, for it being an entire page, the text in a DIFFERENT rooms reads: “The bandits here are used to breaking, cracking, and splintering noises coming from the north. There’s only a 20% chance each round of combat in Area 2 that they will wake and head north to investigate.” It’s a page long and you can’t even tell us IN THIS ROOM who reacts to noise from inside of it. There’s no fucking reason for ANY of this. You’re fucking level eleven man, have some self respect. What’s next, rats in the widows basement? What’s the use of any of this?! What’s the purpose?! [Shitty low-effort commentary without ending punctuation]

There isn’t one, is there? It’s just a shitty low-effort production. This is not a level eleven adventure. Or a level nine adventure. At BEST it’s a level one adventure. And, if I was playing in a new game and this was the level one adventure I’m not coming the fuck back for session two. There’s nothing here. Just stabbing some level nine bandits. Ohhh, they have STONE SKIN, so they have an AC three better than normal. Great. I am thrilled. Awe and wonder. Magical moments. Just turn the handle and crank out the shit man. Make it level eleven so, I don’t know, you can put in some earth elementals? I mean, they don’t really serve any purpose. All you do it’s stab everything in all of the rooms. And get your bags of 1,500 silver pieces. [Shitty low-effort attempt at a rant.]

This kind of shit robs the joy from the game of Dungeons & Dragons. [Shitty low-effort disguised ad hominin attack]

This is $1.50 at DriveThru. The preview is four pages. You get to see the setup, but nothing of the adventure. [Shitty low-effort preview.]

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/en/product/547794/children-of-the-stone-a-swords-wizardry-mini-dungeon?1892600 [Shitty Low-effort cash grab]