Painting verbal pictures - practice thread

[Two orcs]

Bryce harps on specific, inspiring and terse descriptions in adventures. Clarity is also important, especially when it comes to puzzles and tactical situations. Let's have a practice thread! Write a passage you plan to include or would like to see in an adventure, it can be a room, an object, a situational overview - keep it brief. Spatial relations don't need to be included if a map is implied (such as in a dungeon).

Give feedback to at least one previous passage when posting. Iterating is encouraged, but don't edit your first attempt. Don't hold back!

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Caustic cave
Hissing bursts of green corrosive steam shoot from hidden vents. The limestone walls fizzle and run creating milky puddles which ruin the soles of boots, and then feet.

Caustic cave (v2)
Sharp sour air stings eyes, nostrils and lungs. Hissing bursts of green corrosive steam shoot from hidden vents. The limestone walls fizzle and run creating milky puddles which ruin the soles of boots, and then feet.

 

[Two orcs]

Vengeful hills
An island of green in a sea of blue mountains. A deep ravine spanned by rope bridges cuts through the landscape, like a stitched wound coming open. Flocks of sheep are tended by narrow waisted shepherds watching from atop the hills - each with mongoose like pride and temper. Round stone houses are nested among crags and brambles, concealing the gaunt but alluring wives of the shepherds and the meager hospitality they can offer. Cruel but jovial tax farmers riding black horses have appropriated the largest house and fortified it with a stockade. Tomorrow the shepherds plan to murder them by cutting a bridge as they cross. Piles of sling stones have been secreted near each bridge to finish the job.

 

[DangerousPuhson]

Caustic Cave: Good effort. I'd personally add a bit about how "the air brings unguarded eyes to tears and stings the lungs with every breath"; it emphasizes the element of danger even more and gives an uncomfortable urgency to the area. Otherwise, maybe a bit about a possible exit (or lack thereof) should be included, especially if the player's first thoughts are going to be "we shouldn't stay here too long".

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Egg Room
The walls, floor, and ceiling of this cavern are all coated with a thick, orange embryonic jelly, enveloping thousands of amoebic eggs. Swarms of incessantly-droning insects choke the air and invade every crevice and fold of clothing. Six distinct piles of the sludge dot the room, each stacked nearly as tall as a man; lumbering among them, four dog-sized, termite-like creatures lazily move mouthfuls of embryonic jelly from pile to pile, oblivious to your intrusion.

 

[Two orcs]

Egg Room: I would note the giant insects and the sludge piles before the texture of the walls. Termite-like is a precise description but not very helpful unless you're familiar with termites. If I described a giant termite in an adventure I would say something like "four dog-sized bugs, pale with bulging heads and oversized jaws".

 

[DangerousPuhson]

Egg Room: I would note the giant insects and the sludge piles before the texture of the walls. Termite-like is a precise description but not very helpful unless you're familiar with termites. If I described a giant termite in an adventure I would say something like "four dog-sized bugs, pale with bulging heads and oversized jaws".

I understand and agree

 

[squeen]

I like Caustic Caves v2 better, but both are good. But honestly, I can't see anyone complaining about either.

I think the Egg Room description might be possible to compressed a bit more, and could use a punchier statement somehow---although none immediately comes to mind. How about:

"The chamber ahead echoes with a low chittering at the frequency-limits of human hearing that causes a painful buzzing at the base of your skull, while a sickly-sweet odor assaults your nostrils like a festering wound. Torchlight glistens off of countless rows of translucent, elliptical, melon-sized eggs that protrude from every imaginable surface and crowd the entrance. Some glow hellishly with a dull amber inner-light that is perturbed only by the occasional shifting silhouettes of enclosed alien life. ​

​

Inside, bulbous albino-white many-legged shapes the size of wolves (8 giant termites) glide spider-like between six tall mounds of embryonic jelly. Dense clouds of flying mites choke the air---inadvertently getting consumed, biting exposed skin, and invading every crevice and fold of clothing. Footing is tenuous in the thin film of slick mucous that blankets the undulating and brittle trails of exposed floor."​

Too purple? ...and probably way too long for Byrce's tastes.

Nice thread Two Orcs.

 

[DangerousPuhson]

Damn squeen, leave some adjectives for the rest of us, yeah?

 

[squeen]

Slightly off topic (!), I always loved this bit of prose in Miller's The Dark Knight Returns, from the scene when young Bruce Wayne falls into the cave and encounters the mythic bat-beast...

"Then...​

​

...Something shuffles. Out of sight...​

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...something sucks the stale air... and HISSES.​

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Gliding with ancient grace... unwilling to retreat as his brothers did... Eyes gleaming, untouched by love or joy or sorrow... Breath hot with the taste of fallen foes... The stench of Dead things, Damned things... Surely the Fiercest survivor -- the Purest warrior...​

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Glaring, Hating...​

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...claiming me as his own."​

​

So powerful. I remember reading it over and over when it was first published---it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The D&D version:

The large cave is 60' by 80' by 30' high. In it is a Giant Bat that attacks using its charm ability. No treasure.​

 

[Two orcs]

Destroying verbal pictures by converting them to typical adventure text would be a fun game.

 

[Two orcs]

Death bed
Sickness hangs heavy in the bedchamber. The old hero has thrown off pus stained wolf pelts and lies panting and shivering. His shrunken body is like the page of an illuminated manuscript, inked by a myriad of tattoos separated or split by white scars. Colorful glass vials lie heaped and drained around a bucket of black vomit.

v2
Sickbed
Labored breaths and the stench of bile escape the bedchamber. A shriveled man lies shivering on sweat soaked wolf pelts. His skin is like illuminated parchment, sallow and inked by flowing tattoos broken up by white scars. Colorful glass vials lie heaped and drained around a bucket of black vomit.

 

[squeen]

Feeling a bit critical today---hope you don't mind.

I think the first sentence is good prose, but poor descriptive text. It doesn't tell the DM how to convey that to the players using physically observable details.

Same with the second sentence---needs to be more observation based, e.g., "Pus stained wolf pelts lay scattered on the floor. A skeletal man lies on a naked bed, panting and shivering."

Third sentence could be tightened-up with little loss: "His shrunken body is like an illuminated manuscript---inked by flowing tattoos interrupted by white scars."

The final sentence in perfect IMO.


Alternatively, you could go in to minute details on the contents of a bedroom...

 

[Two orcs]

Criticism is the point of the thread! I've edited according to your feedback.

 

[Two orcs]

Lakeside shrine
The lamentations of waterfowl echo over a generous lake. Its still surface mirrors the surrounding cliffs and pine creating the illusion of an immense pit with sky at the bottom. Four statues nearly as tall as the pines face the lake. They are draped in red cloaks fit for giants and dangling jewelry of amber beads and bronze plates. Their granite faces are worn smooth by rain leaving them eyeless and jawless. Between the statues sits the remnants of a great pyre. Thousands of ashen footprints wind their way around the pyre and the base of the statues.

Lakeside shrine (v2)
The wails of waterfowl echo over a generous lake. Its still surface mirrors the surrounding cliffs and pine creating the illusion of an immense pit with sky at the bottom. Four statues nearly as tall as the pines face the lake in a crescent. They are draped in red cloaks fit for giants and dangling jewelry of amber beads and bronze plates. Their granite faces are worn smooth by rain leaving them eyeless and jawless. Between the statues sits the remnants of a great pyre. Thousands of ashen footprints wind their way around the pyre and the base of the statues.

 

[bryce0lynch]

*) It may be me, but I roll my eyes a bit with "lamentations." Wail or howl maybe?
*) Otherwise, your words are good.
*) Other commentary ...
*) "Face the lake in a ring" maybe? Some way to introduce their orientation before the "between the statues" line. Unless it's clear from the map.
*) That last sentence I might leave as follow up information for the DM to respond to inquiring layers questions, if this were read-aloud.
*) As a DM overview its great. Very evocative with the lake, pines, waterfowl, towering statues, red cloaks ...

 

[squeen]

Agreed that "lamentations" has baggage. (Anyone know why LotFP was named that?) Why not alliterate the water-fowl's cry to help the DM ham it up instead?

Otherwise very nice---however, I was initially unclear if the robes were stone too or the statues were dressed up---maybe describe the specific material.

Getting a "great" from Bryce is quite an achievement. You can check your "D&D done" box for 2019.

 

[Two orcs]

Edited according to feedback! I think of these texts as DM oriented, though as verbal pictures they could easily be read aloud as the information is presented in the rough order it would be experienced by a person on the scene. In play the four "giants" would be approached carefully!

As for lamentations I bet it sounds less corny to someone with English as a second language. I thought specifically of the cries of loons which I can't give a better description than lamentation, though using loon in the text would be unfruitful unless everyone at the table knows it refers to a bird and what they sound like.

 

[bryce0lynch]

Is that wipperwilling?
No, I'm being serious.
No, google says it is not.


I have no answers, so let me think out loud. Maybe some word that is evocative of the misty lake setting. "Whispy calls ..." or something like that? Hmmm, can make up words, and use ANY word, regardless of meaning, that evokes the impact desired.

 

[DangerousPuhson]

"A haunting warble echoes across the stilled waters..."

 

[Two orcs]

Valley of the elven castle
The mountains drop steeply into a wide flat valley. The pines of the mountains give way to orchards brimming with apples of every shade giving the impression that the mountains are a pair of titanic hands cupping powdered gems. The elven castle sits at the center of the valley, a menacing jagged shard. It is surrounded by a disc-like lake fed by a snaking river. Arching bridges connect it to the shore in all directions.