The Horsemen of Reinhorn

Posted on March 6, 2023 by Bryce Lynch 
By Sage Paolilo, Dean Leonard
Armored Stroyteller Publishing
OSE
Levels 2-5

This adventure begins with the arrival of the characters to the dwindling town of Reinhorn situated at the edge of the kingdom and part of a barony that the denizens of the realm consider cursed. The characters learn of Reinhorn’s dirty secrets and curse, ghostly horsemen who steal children for their dread mistress. This information propels the characters through the wilderness against a band of brigands, and eventually to Iron Pike Castle. The castle is masked with illusions which the characters must overcome when they first arrive. Once the PCs venture into the castle, they face numerous horrors including the tormented souls of the kidnapped children who haunt the halls of Iron Pike Castle. The castle’s denizens are bound to the baroness who rules ruthlessly. Those that enter her castle in attempt to liberate the stolen children and fail, join her ghastly minions. Should the characters prevail through their exploration of the castle, they face the Horsemen again and have a final confrontation with the baroness.

This 89 page adventure has a  few plotty things that end up in a 45 room castle with some pretty shit people in it. The vast majority of the writing/formatting is complete garbage and almost incomprehensible in its verbosity. This hides a decent little plot where the people act like people would and some room writing, in the castle, that is decent. But, man, you have to fucking to get there.

Ok, so, we’ve got this village. Every full moon three undead knights show up to claim a kid under nine. This has been going on for decades (What’s the song lyric? Nothing to do but smoke and drink and screw?) The dickcheese gang, your party, gets involved. Let’s see … you save an old woman who was attacked by bandits. You go to their lair and kill some. You see a raid on the town by the three knights. You find their hidden base under the old mill. You go to the local castle and kill a fuckton of undead and gross shit. Along the way there’s leprechaun having trouble with some pixies and an ogre in a cave. Oh, and there’s this sea cave in the castle where you have you showdown with The Baroness, who controls the horseman. I don’t know man, I didn’t write the thing. 

I want to compliment it now, but I have to get two things off my chest before that. The fucking PDF is in spreads. Why would you do this? Because you hate your buyers? If you want to make spreads available then that’s great. But put out a single page version also. And, it’s not like the thing is specially formatted for spreads. No cross-page maps or lay-open usability. It’s just spreads, for no fucking reason. 

Second, it’s for levels two to five. Meaning you start at level two and then are level five by the end. I find this quite hard to believe, given the treasure. We’re all gaining three levels in this adventure? I didn’t do a treasure count, but, man, that’s hard to believe. It was originally written for 5e (with a few things missed, like gullygugs being mentioned, and then later in the same encounter referring to them as bullywugs …) , so, I’m guessing they yanked out the milestone shit. I wonder if it was playtested for OSE? It says it waaaasssss…..

This is a dark setting. Like, WFRP dark. Or, it would not be out of place in Ravenloft. The dark setting is complimented by the artwork that continues the dreary themes. Half-orcs suffer abuse. There’s religious persecution mentioned. There’s the whole “giving our kids to the monsters every full moon” thing. And then there’s the mayor. Who’s paying bandits to steal kids to give to the horsemen. Heh. Whoops. Also, the bandits are slaving. The local scout for the militia is a double agent for the bandits. Who also doesn’t give a shit about anyone, in a very self-serving manner. There’s some heavy shit going on. The scene setting or the old pine forest thing, and the fog, mud, rain, etc, all contribute to this. Complimented by the art. And, a scene or two of kindness and shit to contrast this with. It is infrequent that we see someone go to this much trouble to create an environment like this. 5e Ravenloft tried. Look, it’s not modernist, but, it does go there. A good job … with caveats.

The room descriptions, in the castle proper at the end, are decently done, if a little long. “There’s a pungent odor of decay. Black sludge coats the ceiling. The sludge drips into the center of the room and oozes down the walls, making puddles on the rotten wooden floors. The puddles of sludge bubble and gurgle, releasing noxious odors. Weapons and armor racks line against each of the walls gather dust and display various rusting, corroded swords, old shields, and spears. In one corner of the room, an ornamented chest sits undisturbed in a pile of gold.” Oozes down the walls. Black sludge. Rotten wooden floors. The pungent odor of decay. In another room there’s the description of a state that end with … “the dress is made up of hundreds of tiny anguished faces. If a character touches the statue at all, including trying to pilfer the gems, hands shoot out from her robe and begin to pull the character towards it.” Hey hey! Good job there! Both in the tiny anguished faces (kids are theme in this adventure, with several monsters touching on it) and the hands shooting out. Decent descriptive job, in the actual castle rooms, of their description.

But, anything else, any text meant for the DM, is an absolute categorical DISFUCKINGASTER. Seriously, an absolutely terrible job. There are MOUNTAINS of text in this thing, for the DM, and almost no formatting to help the DM wade through it. The first fucking 29 pages of the adventure essentially detail the hook and town. That’s A LOT of fucking pages for the fucking intro. It takes TWO PARAGRAGHS, LONG paragraphs, to detail a fucking pit trap with poison stakes. Our bandit friends have two leaders. It takes a page and a half to detail them … including their incredibly meaningless backstory. If you rescue a kid and bring it back to town then you get two fucking paragraphs on the tearful reunion, under the town statue, of mother and child. Sure, I’m all for these sorts of things. The players should see the impact of their actions. But fuck man, two paragraphs of it? What the fuck?

We meet a person at one point that is described as no taller than a human. Yeah, no shit man, it’s a halfling. 

The real impact of this spewing of verbosity is the inability of the DM to find any details of what is actually going on in the room. How many foes do you face? Who knows. Where’s the section on the chest? Fuck if I know. Let me read the page and half of text to find it. It’s fucking absurd. Most of the adventure, up to the castle, is in FIrst this happens and then this happens and then this happens format. In paragraphs. Without headings. Or formatting. We’re just digging through a random assort of NPC’s showing up wherever they want in the text, as you run in to them, to find them again later, along with their three paragraph backstories. It’s a fucking special kind of fucking torture.

THis things needs a complete rewrite. It needs trimmed in a very bad way. And don’t give me that “rich fucking backstory” excuse that a critique’d designer always pulls the fuck out. Figure it the fuck out. Everyone who did something good figured it the fuck out. You do that also. So, trim the fucker. A lot. At least half the words needs to go. Figure out the keyboard shortcut for bolding, and the where the tab key is. Maybe organize your fucking NPC’s in some way. This First this then this shit has to go.

It could be a decent adventure. The start is pretty much something we’ve seen a thousand times before, but with the added atmosphere of Ravenloft, it’s interesting. The ending dungeon is full of freaky deaky shit, exactly the way D&D should be. But my group will never know cause I’m trashing this. I’m not wading through the crap text to run it.

This is $6 at DriveThru.The preview is ten pages. Which means 20 spreads. Try on chapter one on preview page five. That should cure you if you think you want to run this.

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/420869/The-Horsemen-of-Reinhorn?1892600

Posted in Dungeons & Dragons Adventure Review, Reviews | 5 Comments

The Draining Caverns of the Winged Beast

Posted on March 4, 2023 by Bryce Lynch 
By Jeremiah Leppert
Self Published
5e
Levels 5-6

Something is plaguing the farmland around the village of Oxdale, out in the middle of nowhere. The beast visits regularly and carries off an animal, disappearing into the hill country north of the village. Word is that it is also buzzing around the new goblin camp to the northwest. It wasn’t too big of a deal until it tried to carry off a village youngling; now the mayor and the citizens want it dealt with immediately.

This 23 page adventure (a review request) details a cave with four rooms. Oh, and a goblin encampment. Everyone is friendly. Aren’t you happy you played D&D tonight?

So, look, I know there is no meaning anymore. I know that words have no meaning. I know there is no truth anymore. I got it. Came to terms awhile back. Except, fuck me, it still fucking grates on me. You know, call 4e Chainmail or call 5e Lasers & Feelings. I’d probably be ok. But nooooooo, the megacorps feelings are hurt and its brand is undermonitized, so we get Lasers & Feelings. (As the playstyle, even if the RULES don’t support that? I don’t know. Let’s not hang too much on that hook …) Chainmail might be a good game. I don’t want to play that though. And, especially, I don’t want to spend my money on it. If you just put “For Use with Lasers & Feelings” on the cover then I’d be ok. Again, I don’t care about your game. I wish you luck with Lasers & Feelings. I just don’t want to play that. I want to play D&D. 

Ok, so, we’ve got a NG vampire. Yes, a NG vampire. He news to drink blood but only wants to drink animal blood cause he’s NG, I guess. We’ve seen this, what, in about three hundred adventures? The vampire who won’t drink blood? It’s the same as the good dragon and the evil princess trope at this point. 

Ok, so, he’s NG and doesn’t want to drink humanoid blood. So, he builds some constructs to go find animals for him. Because he finds doing this himself distasteful. Also, he’s a gnome, so, we have to follow the modern gnome trope of being crazy mechanical engineers. As a vampire. Who’s NG. 

So, you go to the cave where the townfolk previously tracked the beast to. Along the way you run in to a goblin camp. They are friendly, of course. God forbid you stab an intelligent foe in D&D. Great. You go to the cave.It’s got four rooms. In the last couple you meet the vampire. He’s friendly. If you upset him he demands that you leave his home immediately! Or he’ll call the police? I guess? So, I guess you can negotiate with him, go back to the village, and the villagers, goblins, and vampire dude all live together in peace and harmony. You’ve done nothing in the adventure. 

Is this actually the kind of game you want to play in? I find it rather revolting. It’s as one dimensional as the games in which you only stab people. The only allowable foes are mindless, literally, or animals. And that NG vampire? As the fuck if. He’s fucking evil. His ranting, stealing, and threats make him evil. Further, his JUSTIFICATIONS FOR HIS ACTIONS make him evil. A haphazard pseudo-Kantian framing don’t change it.

So, 23 pages, Five encounters. Yeah. No.

So as to make this review not totally worthless, here’s your design Tip O’the Day: Important shit comes first.

When you write a sentence, put the important shit up front. Let us assume that, as in this adventure, we have a section with a page long room that has a column full of bullet points calling out details in the room. Which one of these sentences is better for a bullet? “If the party makes a DC 14 Perception (wisdom) check then they can tell that the pit floors slope towards the middle.” or …. “Pit Floors: A DC 14 Perception check reveals they slope towards the middle” See how, in the first sentence, you have to wade through the garbage, that EVERY sentence starts with in this bullet section, in order to figure out what you are rolling against? And in the second example we know up front what the party is rolling against? If they are looking at the pits then I can more easily find that “Pit FLoor” section and see what the details are for running it? See that? This is what we mean by bullets and bolding. It’s a technique to help the DM scan and locate information in the adventure. It’s not a goal in and of itself. 

Ok, a few high points. The villagers call the creature attacking them a Dusk Claw, and give it weird descriptions. I though this was ging to be a normal monster with a new name, which I enjoy greatly. Instead it’s just a new monster, a construct, and the villagers identify it as a construct. Not so good. Give the creature a name and give conflicting villager accounts. Thats good.

We’ve got a wandering monster encounter with an eagle attacking a boar, and the boar putting itself between the party and he eagle to avoid the eagle. That’s a cute vignette and interesting way to get the party involved. 

There’s this guard in twon who saved a girls life when he shot an arrow at the creature swooping off with the girl. He’s guilt ridden over the fat that the monster almost ate the kid on his watch .. .literally. He can/will join the party. Morose guard would be an ice addition, but, also, we need some vignettes with him. SOme sayings. SOme of the shit he’s going through. The DM needs a little bit more to riff on during play. There’s none of that.

The designer is trying to give people personalities, but he’s using that shitty 5e way of explicitly saying “Motivation: blah blah blah. Appearance: blah blah blah. Manner: blah blah blah Weakness: blah blah blah. Sure man, those can be ghood guidelines. Also, you dn’t need them all every time. Also, put it in a natural manner instead of having four bullets with line breaks between each one. We dont’ need separate call outs for each. GJust give us a one or two sentence vibe of the person.

So, new school adventure vibe, which I’m not allowed to comment on, so I spent half the review bitching about how its not D&D. And, a page to encounter ration that reveals Not An Adventure. And, formatting that is not conducive to running it. The beast thing about this is that it’s not 4e. SLAM! Never forget the true enemy, folks. 

This is $1 at DriveThru. The preview is ten pages. You get to see the cave. Good luck with that.

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/409858/The-Draining-Caverns-of-the-Winged-Beast-5e?1892600

Posted in 5e, Dungeons & Dragons Adventure Review, Reviews | 18 Comments

Paths of the Mountain Queen

Posted on March 1, 2023 by Bryce Lynch 
By Allen Nelson
Self Published
System Neutral/5e?
Level ?

A wealthy merchant is desperate to retrieve a valuable sword that has been stolen from his family’s collection. The thief is rumored to have fled to the Threshing Mountains. The missing blade is no trinket… The Manic Blade contains a curse of unspeakable terror which will befall whosoever wields it. The merchant offers the players a generous reward to retrieve the sword and lift the curse if possible. But as they set out on their quest, they soon realize that a madness has taken over the mountain side. It will take wits, luck, and skill to uncover the thief’s identity, without falling prey to the madness lurking between the rocky craigs.

This twelve page adventure has four “encounters”, one of which is a six room observatory. I loathe humanity. It says generic, but the HP totals, 120hp for a stone giant, make me think its actually meant to be 5e. Blech.

There is no meaning anymore. God is dead. We are in a full on post-consumer society, pandemic or no. You! Yes, you! Jot down notes from your last game and shove it on to DriveThru for $2! Do this after every game. If you have any idea at all in the middle of the night then spend one hour writing it up and throw it up online for purchase. The God Emperor’s vision has been fulfilled and adventures, in all of their forms, have been scattered to the stars to live on forever. In its various forms. 95% of which is crap. To be generous.

Twelve pages. Supposedly two sessions. Four wilderness locations, one of which is a small observatory complex with six rooms. Not a wilderness journey, just scenes. And, none of the titular Paths. You are encouraged to give the party the wilderness map and let them decide, based on icons, where to go. Since the observatory is the end, they have a one in four chance of skipping the other encounters. Which is fine, but, also, why? And, I’m being generous in the usage of the term “map.” It’s four artsy fartsy icons on an empty page, with no semblance of being a map at all. Whatever.

Wilderness one is a group of kids in a treehouse who killed a fisherman that went mad. Enjoy that. This is probably the most interesting, conceptually, idea in the adventure and yet is essentially ignored. Given maybe a column of text. There was a possibility of innocence and brutality to be mixed in. Realism. The way the world actually works. But, it’s not explored at all. 

Encounter two is with some mutant cranes at a lake. I wish I could tell you how many. One, maybe? Or maybe two more? “Out of the bushes come mutant cranes” says the text. The read-aloud says that “you are dazed as it knocks you down with immense force. Blah blah blah (two more of these birds can be heard calling to each other through the trees, closing fast)” So, first person read-aloud. Designer fiat in knocking people down for dramatic effect. And, putting something in parens in read-aloud? What the fuck is that about? This encounter shows the fundamental flaw of this designer: they don’t know what an adventure is. The simplest thing. Something that they got right in 1976: How many fucking monsters are in the god damn motherfucking encounter? If you can’t even be bothered to do this then why the fuck are you even trying? 

Formatting is terrible. I think there’s an encounter summary, and then a boxed text. Maybe. It’s not clear to me that the boxed text is read-aloud. Or that the summary is a summary. They frequently clash with each other. Sections headings are split between columns, a major fucking nono. Just hit the fucking return key one more time, man. Guy Fullerton has a nice list of things to watch out for like this. Anyway, no one cares anymore anyway so why bother? Just slap the price on it and publish.

That observatory at the end? The read-aloud says you open the door and see the mountain witch. Except she’s in rooms five. Room fours magnificent text reads: “A bed chamber. A journal can be found here detailing The Mountain Queen’s slow loss of sanity. She has developed agoraphobia and has become to terrified to leave the observatory. She is working on a solution.” ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! Magnificently eloquent description there. Evocative in all the ways I love. And, with a journal. Cause that’s the absolute best way to monologue at the players. Fucking worthless. Creatively bankrupt. 

Let it not be said that I am not generous with my praise: “Inside of Room One is a mangled corpse of a gigantic deer. Its head has been removed and rests in the middle of a fountain, continuously pouring blood into the pool. (The fountain is likely elixir of life or some such). The head is still alive. The eyes and mouth are able to move, but the creature is unable to answer

questions verbally.” Not bad that. Even good. I mean, it’s just fucking window dressing with no effect. A museum tour. How about that elixir of life … gonna tell us about that? No? Ok. 

The continual stream of dreck raises some interesting issues. First, you have to write to get better.I wouldn’t want to discourage that. Particularly someones creative output. And, yet, you’re shoving it out without any seeming effort made to put something out that is good. You expect a car to start and roll on wheels. Shouldn’t you feel an obligation to meet that minimum of criteria? To put a modicum of effort in to figure out what exists, what good is, and have some idea of how to build a house before building them for other people? Second, the pathetic results of the efforts of someones labour are … pathetic. And we, the public, are faced with them. They clog up the system, obscuring the works of someone who might have actually tried. We turn to curation and reviews to help us sort through this. And, yet, that market also is saturated with dreck. Is this reviewer fake? Did they get some payoff in product or cash to laud the thing? Are they pushing their own snake oil? Just finding decent curation these days is seemingly impossible. 

A dystopia of freedom and the choices that come from it. Would that God were not dead and someone would just tell us what to do. What can men do against such reckless hate? There can be but one solution: a lifestyle of fucking, drinking and playing D&D. It’s ok though, it was an informed choice.

This is Pay What You Want at DriveThru with a suggested price of $2.

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/425643/Paths-of-The-Mountain-Queen?1892600

Posted in 2 out of 10, Reviews | 12 Comments

The Lair of Ysmorg

Posted on February 27, 2023 by Bryce Lynch 
By Michael H. Stone
Self Published
OSE
Levels 3-6

Face the beastman horde of Ysmorg the Brutal, lairing in a derelict dwarven fortress. Exploit the internal power struggles of the monsters to infiltrate their ranks and pit them against each other.

Delve ancient dwarven halls full of secret corridors and traps. Encounter a vengeful dwarven spirit use its knowledge of the fortress to your advantage.

This 25 page digest adventure uses  ten pages to describe 31 rooms in an old dwarf fortress taken over by bugbears and hobgoblins. Great formatting goes a long way to elevate a relatively standard adventure with a decent mix of interactivity … though tending towards hacking. 

SoO, the local hobbos in an old dwarf fortress have been taken over by the buggy bear boys. Time to do some stabbin, boyos! There’s a little faction play here, with a chance that the hobo leader recruits you to take out the buggy bear boss. There’s an emphasis, as well, on reaction rolls, that one doesn’t usually see noted as explicitly as it is here. So, (+ they try to recruit you to their side, and so on. This is, I think, perhaps the reason for the a page or so at the beginning detailing raids and recruitment.

There’s a page or so at the beginning that details how the numbers of humanoids at the fortress grow each week, or, have a chance to. And then also how they can get to a point where the humanoids raid the borderlands, as well as a chance for each raider to live or die during the raid. This is almost out of place in this adventure. For, while it adds a lot of detail and certainly seems natural, I have to question if it ever comes up? You’re gonna have to be in the fortress for some time. Or, retreat and redelve. Theres no context for the fortress, so no borderlands or wilderness listed. I’m not bitching, but, just noting that the raiding table seems a little out of place given the lack of context about settlements and/opr places to raid. (Or hooks, for that matter. There are none, which is not a problem.) SO, the raiding/growth must be related to the faction subplot? I don’t know. Seems weird.

Anyway, we’ve got this old dwarf fortress map. It looks like it came right out of an old White Dwarf magazine. High praise indeed! Same level stairs. Some objects on the map. Monsters in the next room noted on the map. It’s really going all out. Even a loop. Not bad for such a small map. Nicely evocative and complimentary to the text.

Formatting is great. Font size changes, boxed text, font color, bolding, and even a bullet or two. Mini-maps compliment the room text to show the context the room is occurring in. Stat blocks are concise and don’t distract. It’s on the edge of being too busy without actually going there. The text writing is trying. It’s not too long and keeps the odious behaviour to a minimum. It’s not gonna win an Evocative Writing award, but, it doesn’t fuck it up either. I wish it were quite a bit stronger in this area. Treasure is decent. Porcelain vase, instead of a vase. Fine elven win, instead of fine wine. A locket inset with a large glass eye … an ESP amulet. Just a word or two more to beef things up from book minimums. 

Interactivity is … a humanoid lair. Which means that the vast majority of shit is humanoids there to stab. The reaction roll emphasis and potential faction play helps in this regard as bit, as does some very light order of battle shit. (or, rather, Do They Hear You shit. Organized response is lacking.) More support/guidance for the faction element could have been included as well. I’m not looking for an overabundance of it, in general, but if thats a major point of the adventure then it should have a little more support. It doesn’t  HAVE to be, but in this, I think its supposed to be?

There’s a few other things as well, generally old dwarf shit. Get the magic armor from the tombs and you can control an earth elemental at a side door. Dwarf ghost might tell you some shit if his reaction roll is chill. A decent number of barricades and locked doors to navigate, but, that’s really part of the Stab Assault. I’m not mad at it. Desecrated alters. A well of potions. I think, maybe, the 31 rooms are pretty close to each other, and with the humanoids lairing here, it’s going to a little lopsided in the stabbing asthetic. 

As a stabbing adventure, it’s decent. The other interactivity gives it a little variety. Writing is not odious. Good formatting. 

I’m not particularly excited about this one. It’s a decent work and I’m certainly not mad at it. But, also, I’m not looking forward to it. Considering my feelings towards the designers previous work, this is a massive improvement. And, also, I might expect a little more from an adventure at this level range. It’s pretty straightforward for three to six.

This is $5 at DriveThru. Preview is seven pages, including the first three rooms. Check out that formatting!

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/426247/The-Lair-of-Ysmorg-OSE-version?1892600

Posted in Dungeons & Dragons Adventure Review, No Regerts, Reviews | 3 Comments

The Crystal Wood

Posted on February 25, 2023 by Bryce Lynch 
By Matthew Lock
Parts Per Million
Worlds Without Number
Levels 3-5

A local Innkeeper would like you to investigate the disappearances of the foresters and find out what happened to the search party. He suggests you speak to the village priest to look at the body of the returning villager. He is willing to offer a good reward.

This 41 page digest adventure has … I don’t know … six encounters? I’m considering selling out and becoming a much more person because of this adventure.

I kind of hate old people. Speaking as an old person, this becomes a bit of a poser. But, actually, I don’t think it’s old people I hate so much as people who are set in their ways. How did they get that way? What thing caused them to become the sort of person who became pessimistic, sit in their easy chair, and bitch all day long about The Kids These Days and shake their fists at the clouds? This is a relevant discussion because, after this adventure, I am considering a new feature to the blog website. I have, in the past resisted the idea of a Hall of Shame list. We need not focus on the foibles of an individual evermore. In a land where everything you have ever done, every humiliation, misstep and flub lives on forever … why make that worse? Do you really need to see your name on a list of things so terrible that it results in that most of evil of things: a generalization? I mean, to be put alongside the the company of brazen money grabbers who have sold out for a release schedule and revenue stream … is it really fair to just lump someone on to a list with that company?

Ok, so, let’s see. This is, essentially, an imposter. The entry on DriveThru looks professional. The cover image certainly looks so, yes? The same pages look like the layout is groovy. Or, at least enough to pass.And, there’s like, a million other products listed by the same publisher in ribbon format. Dudes got his act together!

Or, maybe not …

Looking at that entry, there’s not really any marketing blurb of what the adventure is ABOUT. Even the introduction, a screenshot from the text. It’s just some generic nonsense that doesn’t say anything, followed  by “The Plot”, which is essentially a hook. “There’s a dead body” Uh. Ok. Context for the DM? No. We continue in to the adventure, proper, with the maps. They are not maps. They are, essentially, battle maps. So, “three encounter in the forest” actually means “three things in a large clearing, one of which is The Approach to the clearing. And, then, another clearing with five encounters. Essentially one room with five numbers on it. These are battle map encounters. So, 41 page pages for three room encounters, essentially. Uh huh. 

How about a wandering monster table with “Small pack predators” on it. Yup, the soul of specificity right there. And, that’s when I remembered I had seen this publisher before. And wondered if “Not being a pessimistic grump” was worth the continued exposure to this shit.

How about two and half pages for a monster stat block? That’s cool, right? The adventure doesn’t evenget going to page eighteen, That’s how long it takes to get to the fucking lineline in which you get some semblance of what is going on in the adventure. You wander through the woods. I’m guessing you hit the first clearing, and then the second. The second has a cave mount, mentioned in the text and not on the map, that leads to the third encounter. But the first and second are just listed, there. How do you get to them/between them? Who knows.

This is just shit. The page looks professional. The cover certainly does. The layout isn’t terrible. The maps look interesting. But then you find out its just a battle map. And there’s no overview of summary of what’s going on. No marketing. And that layout is just hiding a three page monster stat block.

I don’t know what to do here. How do you review three encounters that take up 41 pages. It’s pantomime. Someone is doing this on purpose and yet to no effect. 

This is $4 at DriveThru. The preview is the entire thing. So don’t say you weren’t warned.

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/425033/The-Crystal-Wood–A-Worlds-Without-Number-Compatible-Adventure?1892600

Fun Fact: In this adventure with giant crystal ants, I read, at some point:  “it attacks with its martial arts”  “Huh”, I said. Turns out it said magical arts. TIme to cut back on the Sambuca in the morning coffee.

Posted in Do Not Buy Ever, Dungeons & Dragons Adventure Review, My Life is a Living Fucking Hell, Reviews | 11 Comments

Steal the Relic

Posted on February 22, 2023 by Bryce Lynch 
By Piotr Kowalski
Self Published
Generic/Universal/OSR
Mid Levels? That's what the cover says, man

Big walled park occupies the northern part of the city of Braunsberg. Papal Gardens, as the

park is called, hosts the Cathedral of The Third Coming and the Cardinal’s Residence. From

a legal standpoint this is a New Vatican enclave, where Cardinal Igniazio Scavone and

The Heavens – instead of the Braunsberg governor and the Kings of the Union – have the

final say. This fact doesn’t sit well with many Braunsberg citizens, as the Church of the Third Coming is not looked upon favorably in the Union, where Drakonism is the official and most popular faith. Not many people know that a valuable Relic – part of the True Cross – lies hidden in the crypts of the cathedral.

This twenty page digest adventure uses ten pages to describe about thirteen rooms in a cathedral. It’s another of those shitty “heist” adventures. 

Oh, look, another adventure where you sneak in to a church compound to steal something. 

I think I can make a case, albeit a weak one, that this is not an adventure. It looks like one, but it is not. Let us assume I give you a map of Detroit and tell you to break in to the blah blah blah building and steal the THING. Is this an adventure? It has the trappings of one. Moving further down this scale there is some point at which we agree something is an adventure (except for the Art fucks, which insist its an adventure if the designer says it is.) 

Ok, so, you’re breaking in to this church to find and steal a piece of the true cross. (No stats provided. SADZ) It’s in the middle of some big ass garden thing with a couple of other buildings around. It’s a kind of Vatican City thing, with a separate enclave in the middle of a big city. You get no details on the gardens, or the other buildings. … This would seem integral to the adventure. But, no, its just the main church building thing that gets a map and keys. Not even people living nearby/businesses across the street from the compound, in order to spice up your entry. No, it’s just a couple of wanderer tables with boring old entries on them. Not any swiss guards having sex on the sly or anything else remotely fun. SADZ. But in the fucking grounds man. We want to sneak through them at night! Stick in a neighbor or two to riff off of. Put some guard shit, or grouds shit, out there thats more than a couple of guards. We want something to riff off of!

The church is boring.Like four rooms above ground and nine in the crypts. Symmetrical nonsense, of course. And, no guards listed on the map. You gotta do that man. You need an order of battle for how they respond. You need to put the dudes on the map so we know that there’s a guard standing in that fucking alcove that can see light, hear noice, respond, etc. We need a guard rotation and patrol pattern. That’s the fucking point of the adventure … to sneak in and plan a heist. Otherwise you’ve just got a shitty dungeon crawl. A really shitty one.

Formatting is fine, I guess. It’s just bullets, bolded, with a few descriptive words in parens after each bulleted thing. Which is fine for comprehension but somewhat lacking for creating an evocative environment. 

Speaking of … there’s isn’t one. It’s boring and generic. Rows of Pews (wooden, well made). Yes. That’s what pews are. Brass double doors (ornate, unlocked during the day) Uh huh. Two sets of wooden doors (leading to stairs) Yes … just lik ethe fucking map shows us. It’s just a boring list of facts. There is little to no evocative text to bring the environment to life. Just mundane after mundane. 

WHeres the joy man? WHeres the fun? That is the purpose, right? Fun? RPG’s are not a simulation. We’re here to have fun with our friends in a manner that doesn’t involve booze, drugs and sex (at least at the primary activity.) But, it’s up to the designer to provide for that. And it’s just not here. There almost no interactivity, because the map and keys are not set up to facilitate that. The rooms are not interesting, coming off as mundane, both in interactivity (or lack thereof) and descriptive text.

You gotta infiltrate. Sneak. Bribe. Disguise. And NONE of that is supported by this adventure.

This is free at itch.io. 

https://laughing-worm.itch.io/steal-the-relic

Posted in Dungeons & Dragons Adventure Review, Reviews | 3 Comments

It’s Tuesday at two motherfickers!!

Posted on February 21, 2023 by Bryce Lynch

Posted in Reviews | 27 Comments

The Lair of Amanitus

Posted on February 20, 2023 by Bryce Lynch 
By Armored Storyteller Publishing
Self Published
OSE
Levels 5-10

It features a dragon’s lair with a fungal Green Dragon served by Chaotic Mycelian

cultists and other fungal dangers. It is high risk, high reward.

This eight page adventure features a small dragons lair with six rooms. A couple of ok imagery bits don’t make up for the absence of joie de vie. 

It’s eight pages. Except drivethru says it’s ten. Except it’s spreads, so it’s fourteen pages. Oh, and you don’t get an option for non-spreads …. You’ll take your spreads and like it!

Let’s see – there’s a new wandering monster system called Risk & Danger. It’s exactly the same as a normal wandering monster system. Great. And all of the wanderers have some little bit extra to them, just the way I like it. Except the little bit extra is “You’ve intruded in to their territory and they attack!” or some such. “They Attack!” Man, there’s no need to put extra words to it if its just going to be that you’ve stumbled on them and they attack, or some derivation thereof. 

Formatting is ok. Each room starts with one sentence “This cavern has stalactites and stalagmites.” It’s pretty basic and really does not much. Then there’s a bullet list of what’s noticeable, and another of what’s not immediately noticeable. And then, maybe, some DM notes ot monster stat block or trap details or some such. Meh. It’s ok. It’s essentially a read-aloud summary and a DM notes summary, with the other text being specific to certain things that need more detail. Like I said, it’s ok. I think it gets a little long, but you can scan it, 

If you ignore the “intro” sentence, then the what’s noticeable section provides some decent imagery. “A haze of dust and particles float about in the air. • It’s humid and strange fungal growths cover the walls and ground.” That’s not too bad. I can quibble with “strange” as a conclusion/abstraction. And covers the ground isn’t the most exciting description of that, but, overall, the read-aloud substitute descriptions are not terrible. 

Interactivity is all over the place. It’s only six rooms, and there’s a decent number of enemies to stab. Not the best recommendation. But, also, there’s a dead adventurer that can give a clue if you speak with dead on him. Nice! The dragons got what looks to be decent treasure (for lower levels) but the magic items are all book. There is a heavy fungus theme, with the usual assortment of tricks, traps and fungus themed monsters showing up.

There are some misses. If the dragon detects you it doesn’t change anything … except now there are eight more vegipygmies in the room. Exciting. And, sometimes the descriptions ARE lacking … like the room with 20 of them in it. Or, formatting misses, like telling us deep in the text that there’s a dude chained to the alter in the room. I think I might notice. Or, if I don’t, then maybe but it in the Things I Might Not Notice Immediately section. 

It’s six fucking rooms man. In fourteen pages. What do you want man? Something different? Something special? Oh no honey, not for two dollars. It fulfills its purpose in life in being inoffensive and not very remarkable. But, also, it’s rather dull and straightforward, with none of the wonder I might expect in an adventure with lots of fungus and a dragon. It’s fine. Really. It’s fine.

“It doesn’t make me regret every decision I’ve ever made in life. But, also, it does nothing for my ennui.” 

This is $2 at DriveThru. Preview is four pages. Enjoy those spreads … although it does give you a good idea of what to expect in the adventure.

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/424995/The-Lair-of-Amanitus-Campaign-Drop-Dragon-Lair-A1?1892600

Posted in Dungeons & Dragons Adventure Review, Reviews | 6 Comments

Sorrow of the Mangled Prince

Posted on February 18, 2023 by Bryce Lynch 
By Elven Tower
Self Published
Star Frontiers
Tier 1

The Forbidden City was once the royal palace of a bygone family. The place is shunned and thought to be cursed. But now, for some reason no one understands, children ran away from their homes and into the Forbidden City, and no one dares approach the place. The events have caused people to remember an old cautionary tale of a prince from a bygone era that was robbed of his legacy and became a spirit of hatred. The characters walk into a dangerous place willingly under the promise of a nice monetary reward. They soon discover that the mausoleum compound under the Forbidden City is protected by deadly traps and undead guardians that fight with a strength and brutality that defies explanation. Within, they shall learn what happened to the mangled prince almost three centuries ago and whether it is possible to save the children in time or not.

This nine page 5e adventure features sixteen rooms on two pages. It’s generic fucking garbage by someone trying to make a buck. Who can fuck right off.

It is important to recognize that, generally, people are not bad. Sometimes, people do things that are bad. But that doesn’t make them a bad person. And, sometimes, people create something that is not good. But, a critique of the work is not a critique of the person. We can separate the two. This is a very important distinction that this blog makes. And, really, that everyone should make in their day to day lives. We can critique a work, savagely even, without passing judgment on the person who created it. With this context in mind, thus I say …

Elven Tower can fuck right off and is a piece of shit who actions make the world a worse place for their presence in it. The audacity of the blatant grab of money is beyond. Just … BEYOND. This represents the worse, the absolute worst, that we can expect in mainstream D&D publishing. Which, of course, just means that it is a portent of things to come in the future and we can expect this behaviour to become mainstream. Because that’s the way the world works. Are you a tired old grognard railing against the world? Are you an ignorant artpunk reveling in your cleverness? Well my bucko’s, time to come together and dig up Gygax’s skull to summon Kramer and call back Guy from whatever dimension his tower is in. 

This, it seems, is an OSR adventure. Why is it an OSR adventure? Because the designer has listed it in the OSR category. I know, it’s somewhat generic cover looks like the puppymill 5e crap that is churned out. Or, the product page which looks like every other 5e generic product page full of fluff? Wrong! It’s OSR. And, yes, it is for Tier 1, which I believe is 5e nomenclature, but, still, it’s for OSR. And, it’s written with skill and ability checks/saves nd tuned to 5e, but, still, the designer says it’s OSR and put it in the OSR category, so, it’s OSR. 

I noticed this, and a bunch of other shit from the designer hitting the DriveThru OSR category. I didn’t pay a lot of attention to it. Then I saw a comment. Some rando (who, if reading, I would like you to know you are now one of my heroes) called it out in the comments, noting that it’s not an OSR product and is miscategorized. Which caused the designer to post a long response rebutting that, and claiming to be Star Frontiers. Errr, I mean, OSR. 

Well, fuck you Elven Tower. You are, no doubt, looking to expand your sales. Your 491 products that you have churned the fuck out to make a buck are not producing so you’ve decided, no doubt in the wake of what I assume is a 5e sales plunge, to expand in to new frontiers. Fuck you and fuck your puppy mill of shit. 

But, I digress …

There is nothing in this adventure. It is an empty and hollow shell of generic abstracted garbage with no sense of what an adventure is or how to write one.

We start in an inn. It seems that dozens of the local children have gone missing. Everyone thinks they went to the Forbidden City, an hours walk away (ug!) but, also, everyone is too scared to go there. Uh huh. Let me  help you there, Tex. This ain’t the way the world works. If this were to actually happen then, along the time the second or third kid disappeared, for sure, if not the first, then there would be a fucking mob forming, farm tools, torches and shotguns in hand, and 50% of the people in town, at least, would be off to solve this problem. They aint waiting the fuck around to pay 1000 coins to some randos that showed up. When Maude runs in to the tavern saying her kid is gone then a bunch of fucking drunks go get their buddies and they go solve the problem. But, whatever. You don’t care. You just need to churn out the next thing. 

There’s an inn! It’s fully detailed. FULLY. Two and half pages. For ten rooms. Full of exciting descriptions like “Valoura brews wine here.” Just to be clear, nothing about it is important to the adventure. There might be two sentences, up front, about adventure specifics. Otherwise we get generic and abstracted descriptions about the owners bedroom. It is absolutely textbook in not understand the purpose of a description. Full of meaningless descriptions (well, “full” isn’t quite right …) that have absolutely no bearing on the adventure. Fucking garbage. 

And, then there’s the rumors. “A minority thinks this is all an elaborate, practical joke organized by the children that eludes explanation.” I am inspired!  Yes, please! More abstracted text! I understand people give me shitfor my in-voice desire, but, this is the results without that. Generic abstracted shit that it meaningless and does nothing to help a DM run an adventure. Oh, did I mention that the inn is full of laughter? When two dozen kids are missing.

Good news though! You do get to pick up a mary sue in the tavern in order to accompany your party. Who has a magic necklace that puts the big bad to rest forever. Uh huh. Fuck off man.

Oh, on our way to the forbidden city! Here’s the description “they find a barren wasteland of what once was a rich settlement and the farmlands that surround the royal palace. They are dilapidated ruins, mounds of shapeless rocks, and overgrown fields. Only the Forbidden City itself, because of its size and scope, remains a recognizable feature in the area.” Yup. Ok. nothing to see. Move along. Move along. Absolutely nothing. This is supposed to be the centerpiece. The place people are afraid to go. 

You randomly find an entrance to the dungeon, one of three. Cause the LSR is random, I guess. We now transition to a generic map. The most boring generic map ever. But hey, it shows torches. Why are their torches? I don’t know. But there are. Everywhere.

We now transition to the most evocative room descriptions ever. “This is a long corridor that connects several sections of the dungeon and a semi-natural cavern in the south.” or “The hall within contains three ornate sarcophagi.” or “There are three unlocked wooden chests in this room. The chests and their contents are magically preserved.” No doubt too wordy for some of those among us. This fucking shit adds nothing. No specificity. Conclusions and abstracted content. For what should be the main part of the fucking adventure. 

Wanderers are rolled for every turn. Not a chance. Rolled for. With about a 50% chance of a monster or trap. Ghouls and Shadows. Giant Spiders (2d4 of the fuckers!) The dungeon proper features a Wraith. And an “Underground Stinkray”, whatever that is. No stats. No idea what a stingray is supposed to be. A cloaker? 

Anyway, no sense of what an OSR adventure is. No notes for the OSR. Just a 5e adventure that you could, if you wanted, stat up for the OSR. If your level one to three OSR adventures include a wraith. And a 50% chance of monsters every turn. 

Absolutely no fucking understanding at all. Just fucking garbage. A shameless money grab to say its OSR to expand their conveyor belt f muck to a new category so they generate a new $1.50 a month in sales. Fucking bullshit. A bad adventure. And a bad person in their blatant late-stage capitalism abuses. 

This is $2 at DriveThru.Enjoy your six page preview, showing you the inn in all its glory and the wanderers table. Every ten minutes. Fuck off man. Fuck off.

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/425592/Sorrow-of-the-Mangled-Prince–Tier-1-Adventure?1892600

Posted in Do Not Buy Ever, Dungeons & Dragons Adventure Review, My Life is a Living Fucking Hell, Reviews, The Worst EVAR? | 25 Comments

Haunt of the Barrow King

Posted on February 15, 2023 by Bryce Lynch 
By Peter C. Spahn
Small Niche Games
OSE
Levels 1-3

[…] A few weeks ago, an adventuring company named Legacy Flame came to the Oldwood to reestablish a shrine to St. Galwren—patron saint of one of the fallen noble houses of the Kingdom of Nine. They erected a stone shrine near a Jaldtic burial mound and the leader of Legacy Flame, a warrior-priest named Father Krembers, performed an ancient ritual to invoke the blessings of St. Galwren. This ritual awakened several undead creatures that had been laid to rest beneath the old barrow . .

This 32 page digest adventure describes three wilderness encounters and eight inside of a barrow. Low on descriptive text and high on fluff. The concept is fine and the execution, if most pages are ignored, will do in a pinch.  Spahn is interesting. When he hits well he REALLY hits. Think Inn of Lost Heroes. Or, we could write something mind numbing. He’s all over the place. This one hits somewhere in the middle. 

Ok, so, hang on for this ride. Long ago the kingdom of the nine gets invaded and destroyed by the Jaldt barbarians. They build a burial mound on top of a destroyed castle. They don’t know it had a crypt under it. Of some important saint of the kingdom. So, yeah, they built their burial ground on top of a burial ground. Now, some fuckwit rival murder hobos show up, with a cleric on a holy mission to bring back worship of the saint, as we rebuilds shrines to him. Which causes everyone in the burial mound on a burial mound to come to life. An undead knight fights a barb lieutenant and his clan every night, and fails. Meanwhile, the undead barb king roams the roam, kills folk, and their zombies come back to the barrow to help the lieutenant fight the undead knight. Enter the party.

So, 32 pages. For what is essentially ten or eleven encounter areas. And how can this be? Well, that rival NPC party? They get a six page write up. That seems pretty lengthy to me. Expansive.  There are, essentially, four things you can to in thie adventure. The rival party is one. The undead barb lieutenant is another. He gets a decent sized  write up also. Then he’s got a few living people in his undead horde that don’t get much and then there are some bandits at the start who get essentially no write up at all. A little inconsistent here. But, perhaps, indicative of how important the encounter is? You know what the party makes of important NPC’s though, right? 

There’s also the Victorian mania for complete inventories. Five horse two oxen and two wagons, with GP values. Or, a half page write up that lists everything of value, or no, at a campsite. Including “assorted eggs and produce (worth 10gp at the market,) 

I turn, again, to the misplaced page count thing. A disproportionate page count, or word count, reveals a design that is out of balance. The designer is emphasizing, and put effort, in to things that are tertiary to the adventure. Instead of spending time on a six page backstory, what if instead that effort was put in to the adventure proper? There’s no long backstory here, but, the same concept of misplaced effort applies, I think.

Room seven is The Crypt of Honor. The description of this page long room is “This is the resting place of six renowned knights of galwren.” So, not a description. The sarcophagi get the following description “the hawk and sword standard is carved into the lids of their elaborate stone sarcophagus and a red ruby is mounted on each.” Not much a description. And so it goes. Elaborate is a conclusion. DESCRIBE it. That’s how you write a description, with specificity. 

It’s an ok adventure that should only be a couple of pages long that is padded out to 32. I find that annoying. But, also, there’s nothing really wrong with the adventure. The undead barb warband, with the lieu, zombies, and few traumatized humans is pretty nice and a highlight of the adventure. I’m not really sure it’s going to result in much in-depth play beyond maybe one rp event that evolves in a combat, but, it’s fresh anyway. 

So, it’s fine. I’m annoyed at it, but it’s fine.

This is $5 at DriveThru. There’s no full preview, just the quick one. Uncool.

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/422611/OSE001-Haunt-of-the-Barrow-King?1892600

Posted in Dungeons & Dragons Adventure Review, No Regerts, Reviews | 10 Comments